Possibly one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life. Tonight. I must start listening to my instincts a bit more. I've been telling myself i should trust chemistry, ownership can't be forced and instead, after a very friendly first encounter that spelt very little Master/slave interaction, i agreed to a more full-on indoors second encounter, despite feeling uncertain about it and not really wanting to go.
But the man in question was keen to be served and i hate to disappoint - with the effect that i disappointed even more because shortly after arriving, the metamorphosis happened from friendly to role-playing verbally nasty and unconvinced service on my part. It was just not working, too much rough grabbing, awkward exchanges and unfelt kissing. I had to leave.
It's disappointing that i can't serve on cue, that i can't put my doubts and desires on hold to just please the man i'm with. It just felt too fake and he kept asking, who do you belong to? and i can't look someone in the eye and tell them something that's not true.
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