diary of a depressed slave

Don't know why, i spend my whole week feeling stressed by work and looking forward to having some time for myself, then, come Friday evening, as i leave the office, i am overwhelmed by sadness and void. It leaves me powerless and unable to move or react. I just have to freeze and let it blow past me.

The therapy is continuing, in the last 5 minutes of the last session i gave in and accepted to go for a further 2 weeks. One week's now gone. I regretted it right after saying it but i kept to my word. I can easily be swayed, we've all realised that.

But 2 more weeks doesn't change anything, the therapy itself is such a long and slow process that it has itself started to make me feel imprisoned.

i got asked over by a master i have served a couple of times in the past but i'm turning down the invitation. i'm so messed up in the head. i came home needing to serve, to get out of myself, to just be used, to feel. Pain, humiliation, joy, whatever, anything but the void. But i can't find the strength to actually push out of it. When you're owned it's easier, you just have to do what you're told to do. When you're not owned, you're the one who has to find the strength to take your own decision and it's fucking exhausting.

But i can't let him own me. I don't feel it. Maybe it's because a long time ago, when i was owned by D, he tried to "poach" me and was disrespectful to him. I don't mean by the shear act of poaching but by what he said. I responded (disrespectfully), confronted him and ended up feeling annoyed. Maybe because of that i can't let myself feel for him what a slave feels for his Owner.

Yet, i still went to see him when i was released, i served him, i let him use me, hurt and abase me. But it's a story of continued resistance on my part: me resisting his attempted claims over me. And the fight makes serving him more satisfying because at the end he gets his way, he uses me and i go home with his fluids in my stomach and my face smelling of his pubes.

But he's not the Master at whose feet i can just curl up and feel protected. He's the man who abuses me, that i resist and lose to.

But he's not my Master.