I thought regaining some sort of independence from the men I serve without putting all of myself in a single man's hands would help me remain more balanced but, as it turns out, it's just as unsettling.
Last night, in the middle of the night, I started a chat with a man who one could only define as a cock-tease. For months, he's been hinting to wanting to use me, saying the day is coming, even admitting, however, that the more I want him, the more he's turned on by delaying meeting.
After I got out of bed basically to provide him with personalised wanking material, at the end of the chat session, he ended with a very mean message.
My crimes were: (1) asking if he could refrain from calling me "my son". Any other form of address is fine, I said. Although I didn't explain, I just find it creepy to send video of me self-fucking to someone who calls me his "son" and acts like my father. (2) At the end, when he'd finished his wank, given that he knows I've been chaste now for over a month and love the idea that he can cum when he wants and I shouldn't, I asked him if I could see a pic of his cum. This is rather selfish, I'll admit that, but in the context of multiple media being sent back and forth and occasional friendly banter, I asked if he would. I guess in the drowsiness of my nighttime service I figured it mattered that I had got out of bed for him. I would have respectfully accepted a no.
He replied saying he was "very upset with me", that I "didn't understand the Master and slave relationship" and then proceeded to block me. He blocked me after keeping me waiting since May saying he wanted to meet.
This left me with very mixed emotions.
Sadness. A man I had really wanted to please blocked me telling me he was disappointed in me.
Anger. I thought, WTF? Blocking? It's such an immature, passive-aggressive thing.
Depression. I don't understand how to deal with my emotions, my desire to submit. Every road I take leads to some form of rejection.
More anger. Again, WTF... He's "upset"?
Upset. I feel devastated and can't stop thinking about it.
Self-loathing. Part of me does think if I've let him down it's still my fault. No matter how much of an asshole he is, if I'm a slave, I should still put myself second and try to please him. Instead I mistook his occasional friendliness and made requests for myself. Maybe it's true that I don't understand the Master/slave relationship. Maybe I do need to disregard completely whatever I want.
But will that really take care of my mental sanity?
The thing I cannot reconcile is that no matter how much of an asshole I think he is, if he contacts me again I will probably apologise and beg for his forgiveness. In other words I have to realise I'm looking for some kind of total annihilation of my own self and have to wonder what is at the end of that road.
