Just found out i won't see Master for at least the next two weeks. I've gone through long periods without being able to see Him but lately i have such a need to be with Him that this latest news has left me feeling really low. It's like i'm bursting with a desire to see Him and it's so overpowering i'm having some difficulty keeping it in check.
I'm just feeling really upset now...
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
household chores
Doing household chores I always fantasise what it would be like to be able to do them for my Master, to ensure he doesn't have to. To fold his socks, iron his shirts, wash his dishes...
Ah sweet dreams...
Ah sweet dreams...
Monday, June 21, 2010
am i an emotional masochist?
I remember in the time i was "on the market" looking for an owner i was often backed into a corner having to itemise and categorise my interests, i.e. what i'm "into".
People came to me asking what i wanted to do but all i really knew was what i wanted to be, or rather, as i started seeing it in time, what i felt that i was: a slave.
But the list was difficult to escape. I had, for instance, to make my limits known. And one limit i knew i had to mention was pain. This is not a limit intended in the sense of "i will not do that". I certainly don't enjoy it but mostly it's quite simply a physical limit: there's only so much pain i can take. I never really presented this as a hard limit though, at least in time as i came to see myself having less and less of a say in what happened to me and i stopped thinking it was proper for me to place any hard limits.
For example, at the time i was D's, he was definitely uninterested in making too many concessions when indulging his love of inflicting pain on me and apart from wimpishly begging him not to, i ultimately loved knowing that i had no say in this. In fact, i think i actually came to enjoy that pain somehow.
Clearly my portraying myself as a total slave who places no limits on his Owner could be perceived as fake and hypocritical since there have been situations where i have walked away from men who were interested in owning me so i obviously took a decision or two for myself but those situations were more to do with perceived compatibility than activities i just wouldn't want to get involved in. Again, you might say that the line is blurry: if a prospective owner would have asked me to jump out of a window i would have walked away because i would have thought there was little compatibility because he wasn't a man interested in his slave's safety (or survival, in this case) but you might, if you will, say i wasn't "into" jumping to my death or that jumping to my death was a hard limit, thereby making it about specific activities.
Whatever that may be, my constant itemising my interests led me to face up to the fact that pain was not my thing. And the more you say something, the more you believe it: i am most definitely not INTO pain and i came to see myself as "not a masochist". This self definition has stuck with me all these years but in these days i am starting to re-evaluate this statement or at least fine-tune it. I certainly don't enjoy the pain physically, but do i enjoy it some other way? And mostly, what about emotional pain? I can definitely take it physically (if that even means anything) and i'm starting to wonder if i'm actually a little addicted to it.
I have a very strong emotional response to being a slave. It's not just about sexual arousal, although that's a clear by-product of it. Most importantly i experience great emotional turmoil as a result of exploring the submissive side of me and allowing it to come out.
This emotional response is often very difficult to manage for me and, sometimes i fear, maybe for my Master as well. I'm always going to want to see my Master more than He is able to, or otherwise wants to. Probably most non-live-in slaves (and some pets) experience something very similar. You don't see your Master all the time, maybe not for a long time, and you miss Him madly. What do you do?
My lack of direction on the issue is probably what causes me to jump between the two options i have and, quite possibly, what causes me to perform poorly.
Poor performance through lack of instructions is something I encounter sometimes. It's quite similar to when i must kneel for long periods of time. I generally kneel and rest on my heels but Master hasn't instructed me as to whether my feet should rest with the top against the floor or if i should pin my toes to prop myself up higher. This results often in my switching repeatedly between the two positions as they become uncomfortable and worrying that this frequent movement may not be proper posture and might quite possibly have earned me a few strokes from a less understanding master. Although Master doesn't control my every movement, i still want to give Him the most impeccable service and this probably isn't it.
Well, my uncertainty about how to deal with my emotions leaves me following the exact same pattern. i could write to Master endlessly about how much i want to see Him but i tell myself i mustn't bother Him, but i also must contact him daily as part of my routine giving Him some information about my day so, when that channel of communication is open, i suppose i let some extra information slip in, like how much i'm looking forward to seeing Him next, or how much i miss Him, or how much i really miss Him or how much i wonder when i'm going to see Him next or how much i really wonder when i'm going to see Him next or, i don't know, when am i going to see Him next. It's easy to get carried away, and i do, and Master hasn't told me i must keep these questions to myself -- in fact He encourages me to let Him know what's going on with me. But at the same time, He doesn't frequently engage in conversation with me on this or answer my questions and this often causes me some heartache and loneliness. Some emotional pain. Pain that i try to learn to live with.
Master has told me once that He expects me to learn to manage these emotions as part of my service to Him. It should be a no brainer that Master contacts me when He wants to and i have no say in that. Why can't i get into my thick skull how a proper slave behaves then? Perhaps I revert to a kind of pup-like behaviour from time to time.
I must say sometimes i even fall into a very "un-slave-like" mood where i ask myself why i must daily keep Him informed of all that i'm up to when He leaves me stewing in my own loneliness and lack of contact for days. The answer to this question is obviously very clear: because i'm His slave and i do what He tells me and He what He wants but the question remains: how do you deal with the pain?
The issue is further complicated by the fact that on some level i probably even enjoy that pain: being ignored until He chooses to see me and having to put myself, my needs and my desires on a shelf because all that matters is Him allows me to experience the reality of my slavery and is a powerful reminder that fuels again my emotional response like a self-feeding fire caught in a perpetual circle.
I think by ignoring me more these days Master is trying to teach me what kind of slave He wants me to be and he's giving me the opportunity to learn to manage my emotions. I'm His so i need to learn to be loved when He says and ignored when He says. And be grateful for any opportunity He gives me to please Him. That i am, i don't have to be taught to be grateful for His attention but the first part of the deal i'm still struggling to fully get to grasps with.
People came to me asking what i wanted to do but all i really knew was what i wanted to be, or rather, as i started seeing it in time, what i felt that i was: a slave.
But the list was difficult to escape. I had, for instance, to make my limits known. And one limit i knew i had to mention was pain. This is not a limit intended in the sense of "i will not do that". I certainly don't enjoy it but mostly it's quite simply a physical limit: there's only so much pain i can take. I never really presented this as a hard limit though, at least in time as i came to see myself having less and less of a say in what happened to me and i stopped thinking it was proper for me to place any hard limits.
For example, at the time i was D's, he was definitely uninterested in making too many concessions when indulging his love of inflicting pain on me and apart from wimpishly begging him not to, i ultimately loved knowing that i had no say in this. In fact, i think i actually came to enjoy that pain somehow.
Clearly my portraying myself as a total slave who places no limits on his Owner could be perceived as fake and hypocritical since there have been situations where i have walked away from men who were interested in owning me so i obviously took a decision or two for myself but those situations were more to do with perceived compatibility than activities i just wouldn't want to get involved in. Again, you might say that the line is blurry: if a prospective owner would have asked me to jump out of a window i would have walked away because i would have thought there was little compatibility because he wasn't a man interested in his slave's safety (or survival, in this case) but you might, if you will, say i wasn't "into" jumping to my death or that jumping to my death was a hard limit, thereby making it about specific activities.
Whatever that may be, my constant itemising my interests led me to face up to the fact that pain was not my thing. And the more you say something, the more you believe it: i am most definitely not INTO pain and i came to see myself as "not a masochist". This self definition has stuck with me all these years but in these days i am starting to re-evaluate this statement or at least fine-tune it. I certainly don't enjoy the pain physically, but do i enjoy it some other way? And mostly, what about emotional pain? I can definitely take it physically (if that even means anything) and i'm starting to wonder if i'm actually a little addicted to it.
I have a very strong emotional response to being a slave. It's not just about sexual arousal, although that's a clear by-product of it. Most importantly i experience great emotional turmoil as a result of exploring the submissive side of me and allowing it to come out.
This emotional response is often very difficult to manage for me and, sometimes i fear, maybe for my Master as well. I'm always going to want to see my Master more than He is able to, or otherwise wants to. Probably most non-live-in slaves (and some pets) experience something very similar. You don't see your Master all the time, maybe not for a long time, and you miss Him madly. What do you do?
My lack of direction on the issue is probably what causes me to jump between the two options i have and, quite possibly, what causes me to perform poorly.
Poor performance through lack of instructions is something I encounter sometimes. It's quite similar to when i must kneel for long periods of time. I generally kneel and rest on my heels but Master hasn't instructed me as to whether my feet should rest with the top against the floor or if i should pin my toes to prop myself up higher. This results often in my switching repeatedly between the two positions as they become uncomfortable and worrying that this frequent movement may not be proper posture and might quite possibly have earned me a few strokes from a less understanding master. Although Master doesn't control my every movement, i still want to give Him the most impeccable service and this probably isn't it.
Well, my uncertainty about how to deal with my emotions leaves me following the exact same pattern. i could write to Master endlessly about how much i want to see Him but i tell myself i mustn't bother Him, but i also must contact him daily as part of my routine giving Him some information about my day so, when that channel of communication is open, i suppose i let some extra information slip in, like how much i'm looking forward to seeing Him next, or how much i miss Him, or how much i really miss Him or how much i wonder when i'm going to see Him next or how much i really wonder when i'm going to see Him next or, i don't know, when am i going to see Him next. It's easy to get carried away, and i do, and Master hasn't told me i must keep these questions to myself -- in fact He encourages me to let Him know what's going on with me. But at the same time, He doesn't frequently engage in conversation with me on this or answer my questions and this often causes me some heartache and loneliness. Some emotional pain. Pain that i try to learn to live with.
Master has told me once that He expects me to learn to manage these emotions as part of my service to Him. It should be a no brainer that Master contacts me when He wants to and i have no say in that. Why can't i get into my thick skull how a proper slave behaves then? Perhaps I revert to a kind of pup-like behaviour from time to time.
I must say sometimes i even fall into a very "un-slave-like" mood where i ask myself why i must daily keep Him informed of all that i'm up to when He leaves me stewing in my own loneliness and lack of contact for days. The answer to this question is obviously very clear: because i'm His slave and i do what He tells me and He what He wants but the question remains: how do you deal with the pain?
The issue is further complicated by the fact that on some level i probably even enjoy that pain: being ignored until He chooses to see me and having to put myself, my needs and my desires on a shelf because all that matters is Him allows me to experience the reality of my slavery and is a powerful reminder that fuels again my emotional response like a self-feeding fire caught in a perpetual circle.
I think by ignoring me more these days Master is trying to teach me what kind of slave He wants me to be and he's giving me the opportunity to learn to manage my emotions. I'm His so i need to learn to be loved when He says and ignored when He says. And be grateful for any opportunity He gives me to please Him. That i am, i don't have to be taught to be grateful for His attention but the first part of the deal i'm still struggling to fully get to grasps with.
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