the last days of the therapy?

For the last couple of months I've been trying to quit my therapy.

I've been in therapy since September last year. After being depressed and a tad suicidal for a few months, my GP put me on antidepressants and I found myself a psychotherapist. Due to my and her schedules, the only time available to us was early in the morning, so for a year now I've been seeing her twice a week, at 7am.

I never understood whether she was quite right for me, if in therapy, like in love, it has to click, or if things were slow and monotonous as a result of my own slow and monotonous personality. Whatever the reason, i always felt that the therapy wasn't quite working. I started because my desire to be a slave had become somewhat overpowering, to the point that it was causing me to consider breaking up my relationship to simply live as a slave, i guess that, in my hazy depressed moods, the borders between fantasy and reality had started to look somewhat blurred.

Over time, however, the focus of the therapy has shifted to other issues but it's also become less interesting and challenging. It's all turned into little more than a habit: one I've decided to break out of. So for a couple of months now I've been trying to stop my therapy. I have mentioned that I want to stop seeing her and she has declared her opposition to this. She thinks this is possibly the worst possible time for me to stop the therapy, with my boyfriend having left and my depression just below the surface. It appears she seems to fear a major crisis if I stop.

Is she right or is she wrong? Does she see things I don't see or has she, as I've suspected for some time, not got me at all? Some people tell me she looking after her money. I don't think that's the case, she might even be right in saying that I need this therapy, I've just decided I don't want to do it anymore, I want to spend that money on things I enjoy doing rather than looking deeper into my darker areas.

I must sort of agree that my depression is not completely gone although I've sort of stopped thinking of it in terms of depression but more in terms of a depressive nature. I'm a melancholic type with longings, insecurities, desires i'm unsure how to respond to and generally in need of some leading figure in my life.

Does this mean I have to undergo a lifetime of psychotherapy? I've decided not and the end is approaching at the end of this week.

dr jekyll & mr kink

Sometimes people give me grief online about having a boyfriend.

My online profile doesn't mention i am in a relationship. (It does say i'm not available for 24/7 though). I have been back and forth about whether to incorporate this tidbit of information, and I've added and removed it several times. Now for quite some time this information has been noticeably missing from my profile. My situation in this respect has various aspects that make it a little complex to explain and the explanation, at times, includes details that are too personal to volunteer to just any casual browser.

Says the guy with the blog -- I know. On the blog i allow myself to be more open than on my profile, that's understandable, i think. The majority of people who check online profiles look at photos more than text, some will read the text too but won't move on to the blog. I think it's acceptable to share some information only with people who have made the transition from checking out pics on a profile to reading a blog. And it's not like this information is secret. I do tell people who approach me online, i'm just trying to selectively share information that involves my partner.

This post, though, is where i try to address the question: how can you be a slave if you have a boyfriend?

Some people find this a deal breaker, for others it's irrelevant. It comes natural to say that someone who wants a deep involvement will not be ok with me having a boyfriend. But is that always so? The involvement I seek is clearly stronger than having a one-off fuck and i've met a good deal of people who (said they) were looking for pretty much the same and did not have a problem with my being involved with someone.

The truth is this is within me. I have this desire to serve a man's needs. "Slave" is the word that best seems to describe the type of person that i am. But that word is but a vehicle to convey an idea. I guess i have considerable doubts that i could dedicate my life to being nothing but someone's slave. As exciting as the idea may sound, i have my doubts that it's a viable lifestyle for me in the longer run. I can't for instance see myself being an elderly man and still live as a slave. Perhaps i am biased and i shouldn't really be so dismissive of it, but i can't deny that at this time in my life that's how i feel about it. i would probably, was i not involved with someone, pursue this kind of lifestyle to a certain degree on the wave of this ideal fantasy of men being men and slaves being there as their property. But this fantasy diverts somewhat from the reality we live in where people rarely are 100% one thing or the other. And although my mind works a bit along those lines, my reality is that of there being a person that's very important to me, who doesn't at all fit in this fantasy and still is my life. The real one.

I do from time to time fantasise about a relationship with a man who's master and partner, who owns and loves me, who is everything for me, God-On-Earth, but i suspect that the day-to-day partner bites chunks out of the slave until there's little left of what there was in the beginning. The slave soul gets corroded and quality of service languishes. Instead i believe in trying to be the best slave i can when i'm in service. And also, I have stopped believing that you can find everything in one place and this is how these 2 aspects of my life have naturally come to be detached.

I do have a wonderful boyfriend but there is no trace of a master in him. He's tried to work this into our life but i don't understand how i could serve someone who's making an effort to please my desire to be a slave. That makes no sense. So that element has been entirely removed from our life which means that sex itself has been entirely removed from our common life because i just can't do "vanilla sex". There's no appeal in it for me. For me sex is about one person getting his way and another enduring what it takes in order for the first one to get his way. It's imprinted in me to the extent that i can't conceive of any different form of sex. None that i want to get involved in, in any case. i'm sorry that i can't be a more congenial bedtime partner for my boyfriend but he understands that this is me.

Why am i sharing this bit of information with you casual blog readers? i guess it's because I'm tired of people assuming off some online profile that they know me from adam, that they can tell me that i'm just someone whose slave side might mean nothing more than a bit of fun on the side when the boyfriend's away. The slave is well within me. He is just in love.