a long delayed update

I almost made it a year without writing on this blog. I just checked it the other day and realised with some surprise that some people still visit from time to time and i thought it would be a good time for an update.

I am still wearing my collar and i have now been owned for over a year. Frankly I would say that this is it for me: i have definitely found my Master. I have given myself to Him as a slave and unless He decides to set me free (and He says He has no intention of doing that) i don't wish to even have a way out of my slavery. I don't get to see Him as often as i would like because He has other things in His life that take up His attention and as His slave i'm aware that waiting to be needed is part of my life but i'm more than happy to simply make myself available when He wants and has time to see me.

Of course i love slavishly waiting for Him to summon me and the time i do get to be with Him i am deliriously happy.

Kneeling at His feet, lovingly massaging them while He rests or is otherwise engaged is a moment of great happiness for me, when i feel right. When i get to show Him how much i love and worship Him. And i do. So much.

i haven't seen Him for a few weeks now and have missed Him terribly, but in just a few hours i'll be on my knees again, before the Man who owns me.

spring update

It's been a long time again since i last blogged. I suspect the last of my readers will have deserted me by now but just to surprisingly entertain any casual readers i thought i would use the opportunity of being stuck on a plane seat for a couple of hours to post a little update.

It's often said that misery benefits one's artistic spirit, and far from claiming any artistic value for my humble online ramblings, i can't deny that the main reason for the lack thereof is a sharp drop in my MI (Misery Index).

On the 19th of April i have commemorated/remembered/acknowledged (if celebrated is to big a word for it) my first 3 months with my Master. "Q1" has been a great time for me, one that has seen me find, maybe for the first time, some stability and security in my submissiveness. I regularly spend weekends, and some other days, with my Owner and the way in which his presence has neatly become integrated into my life, whilst allowing me to become part of his, has been the reason for a great deal of serenity for me.

There isn't a lot that i feel i can bring up on here. It's not my habit to discuss, or disclose, what my Owner likes to do with his slave. I can simply say that he has focussed my submissive urges turning them into a positive energy that these days enriches my life and shapes it fundamentally. I'm lucky to love my Owner very much and feel his care and affection towards me.

That's all i need to not want to be let free ever again.

the orbit

Things continue to run beautifully. I see my Master regularly at least once a week and spend every other weekend with him. All the time i spend with him is a precious gift and his presence is enough for me to feel whole. It's as if he had a magical aura that could fix me, heal me.

As far as I am concerned, i think that this is it, i am now his. I have discovered a whole new dimension of devotion in feeling completely safe and protected. Trust is not even the word that describes it, because i trust him even more than i trust myself, feeling safer in his hands than my own.

I feel like a satellite that gravitates around him, held close by his strength defining my orbit.

Every day i have to pinch myself to realise that he truly has picked me to be his slave.

heavenly

Heaven, i'm in heaven... You know the song?

Well, I hate to brag but this is exactly how i've been feeling on the weekends I've been spending with my new Owner.

Yes, owned again and this time I'm on cloud nine. I'm sorry it has taken some time to update the blog with such major news. I'm going from a rather negative post to this. Well, such is life sometimes: full of surprises and unexpected turns. One of these surprises was meeting the man who has taken me on as his slave and filled my days with this intoxicating sense of safety and belonging.

A couple of months ago a dominant I was talking to said to me that previous Masters had "damaged" me. I didn't give this theory much credit at the time but now, as I'm confronted, day in, day out, with a Master who keeps filling me with an overpowering desire to keep serving him and belong to him, i have to reconsider my initially dismissive judgement, as an undefined something within me continues gnawing at my insides, making me fear that things will go wrong.

It seems i can't stop worrying about the way things will evolve. In spite of being reassured by events that nothing is going wrong, my insecurity keeps rearing its unattractive head and I keep fearing that I'll say or do something that will make him not want to continue owning me, leaving me lacking the protection and guidance that i'm beginning to grow familiar with, as it starts to permeate my everyday life.

So i guess that, despite my heavenly mood, i still haven't been able to fully relax and enjoy the sense of finally being welcomed into a space that is 100% me.

the visitor

At times i feel as though i'm walking a fine line between sanity and insanity, happiness and depression and it takes very little for these dimensions to come dangerously near or even clash. Keeping these emotions up in the air means i'm one of those toys that move responding to music and a sad or happy song is sometimes all it takes to determine my state of mind.

Fortunately escapism is something i've always been fairly skilled at but I've practiced it so unmodestly in the past that i sometimes have to wonder: what is my reality and what is the world i escape to? Am i the slave who's too afraid to give into his desire for a life of submission and hides in a vanilla touchy-feely relationship or am i just a regular guy who escapes the responsibilities and stress of everyday life by seeking a bit of thrill on the side? Am i both? Neither? I am really frankly incapable of finding an answer to that question.

All i know is that from time to time i'm overwhelmed by such sadness that i find myself unable to cope as i feel that too much is missing from my life. A desire to end things is something i'm not unfamiliar with, as any careful reader will have detected, but it's something i've come to experience as though it weren't even me. I know it comes and i know it goes. So, when it's here, i don't do anything to fight it. I observe it as though it was a visitor sitting across the table from me. We sit together and make polite conversation, until the moment comes for my visitor to leave again. But until the time comes for us to part, his presence here spells the greatest sense of emptiness for me. A familiar sense of emptiness, but emptiness nonetheless.

By the way, i have company, i should go.

security alert: red

My second life (SL) is going great. I have been bought by the best Master a slave could hope for, i've moved into a kennel which he has built in a corner of his bedroom where i can watch him sleep through the bars that fence in the confined security of the space that he has given me inside his home.

But when, going through security at an airport, you catch yourself cherishing the touch of the security guard who's searching you for concealed weapons, that's the time you start to wonder if you might not be in the need for more real-life physical contact.

Before going off on holiday over Christmas, i had agreed with a dominant man that, come January, i would go to see him and serve him. When he contacted me today, i wasn't in the mood because what i really felt i wanted was to spend time with my SL Owner. But i willed myself to accept, on account of the security guard incident, yes, but also because my time in SL has been showing me the joy that i can draw from simply being available to serve the needs and desires of others.

I started preparing my body for service, going through some standard steps to ensure offering a Master a more pleasant service and the simple act of doing this was enjoyable. You handle your own body as a gift that you can offer somebody to use and the act of giving is what gives a slave joy. All along, I was thinking about my SL Owner who i've discussed this with and felt bad about the thought of serving someone else, but i made myself see the line that separates my first and second lives and i resolved to continue.

It was only because of an unpleasant message i received from the man i was supposed to serve that i eventually decided to cancel my visit. It became very clear that we had different ideas about what it is to serve and to deserve enjoying service. You see, it's not enough to have a slave's heart for the interaction to work. It's important for the dominant to understand what it is to use a slave, what makes a man a Man (and another man a slave) and, just to be clear, it generally has little to do with being abusive or talking dirty and doesn't require disrespecting anybody.

mistakes

Can you ever really cleanse yourself of your mistakes?

Some time ago, owned by D, i realised how painful it was for me to mess up. Not painful on account of the punishment, which was always delivered swiftly and vigourously but because of my own inability to let go and put it behind me. Disappointing a master is something which leaves you feeling mortified, it's as if you had lost something you will never be able to regain. D would say that the punishment would wipe the slate clean and the offence would be forgotten but for me forgetting was rather more complicated. Like any other wound it takes time and time alone to heal. D would say "i tell you it's ok, so it's ok, it's forgotten" and i couldn't really argue with him over this, except for knowing within me that it wasn't forgotten.

Now, in these situations you really don't want to turn things into a therapy session in order for you to try and feel better, this is really not what it should all be about, but it's nevertheless hard to simply overcome this heaviness that makes you feel like it's all over and you're never going to regain your Master's trust. Gone are the days when after upsetting a parent, they would smile, tell you it's ok, and you'd feel good again. You'd think a Master would be able to command that same level of control over your feelings so why won't the sadness just go away?

Maybe it's because at that point it's really not about your Master anymore, you're angry at yourself so it's not your Master who must forgive you but you must do it yourself. Can you find it within yourself to have the generosity and compassion to forgive yourself for disappointing the person whose needs and desires you want put before anything else? Clearly not quite yet.

where's jay?

i can't believe i posted twice the same video. This is the saddening confirmation of what little time and attention i've been giving this blog lately...

i do like the song, though.

jay

[snip]

who's a wanker?

Recently I was talking with a friend about a dom we've both met. Things hadn't quite worked out for us and when i brought it up with my friend his comment was plain and simple: he was a wanker. The directness of this statement surprised me. It left me wondering: was he really a wanker? Why didn't i think of it? In my mind things hadn't worked, i was unable to offer him what he wanted, blah blah, the assumption always being that a Master has a right to expect whatever he expects. But come to think of it, i suppose he was the kind of person you might want to call that: a wanker.

But this led me to wonder: why can't i express such ruthless, direct statements about people? I relatively easily tell someone that things are not going to work, for instance. That's pretty ruthless, i guess, and direct, so, if i quickly and easily pass one type of judgement about somebody, why can't i say, even just to myself, that someone is a wanker?

I suppose this would be your usual passive behaviour, not wanting to put yourself above someone else and judge them, but it's somewhat hypocritical because the judgement is there, i can sense it, i'm just completely in denial of it by not voicing or thinking about it.

I guess i just find it an odd character trait of mine that reflects my total refusal to behave in an active or assertive way, to the point of vigourously shaking my head to stop myself from admitting, even only to myself, that, yes, sometimes i do pass judgements on people and, yes, sometimes a Master can be a wanker.

the city-slave

Many times I have been accused of being a daydreamer living in a fantasy world. It's been going on since I was a child, by my teachers in school, my parents, down to, more recently, masters who consider my expectations unrealistic. As a submissive, you'll often get the occasional Master who will ask you "if this is a fantasy for you...", without hiding their contempt. It's like fantasising is something we ought to have grown out of, being only concerned with the here and now. It seems to me if you fantasise about things you don't have in your daily life, like winning the lottery, it doesn't mean you'll tear up the winning ticket, should you come across it.

Anyway, given my predisposition to not have my feet constantly firmly on the ground, i suppose it was only a matter of time before i would fly off to an entirely separate universe where the frontier between the real and the imagined is somewhat blurrier than here on Earth 1.0.

This universe is provided courtesy of Linden Labs in Second Life, a simulated world populated by lords and ladies, vampires and werewolves, warriors and slaves, whores and accountants. Everything you've ever wanted to be, you can be, if not in your first, in your second life.

After taking some time to get on the gravy train, i have, in the space of a week or two, burnt the stages that have taken me years in my first life to go through. After hanging around for a few days at a particular dungeon in Passion Cove where people come and go, fuck, whip and leave, i've been left, very much like in my first life, angling for more.

This "more" has materialised in the shape of the Gorean city of White Water where i have become a city-owned slave, undergoing my training while awaiting to be bought by a Master. With the help of a few sympathetic slave brothers, I'm learning the ways of Gor, how to talk, behave, serve, etc. So far there has been no sexual contact with anybody but during the role play scenes i am invigorated with energy by virtue of simply being in an environment made of überbutchy warrior men bent on camaraderie and hunts, and hyperservile slaves whose only concern is to ensure the comfort of their superiors. What can i say, like every other child, i thrive in the right environment, and i fit comfortably where roles are defined and i'm expected to be on my knees every time a Master is present and remain in silence until spoken to.

I'm uncertain how long this phase will last but i wonder if this kind of universe is maybe a little dangerous for me. In spite of my predilection for my dream life, i have nontheless never had much trouble (only a little) separating what's true from what isn't. Are things going to change now in my Second Life™?

body's a temple

self-drive

Yesterday my friend Marcus and i started talking about control. He was saying how a slave craves to be controlled by his Master. Somehow the concept didn't quite register with me. Something about it left me uncertain. Do i want to be controlled? I'm not sure that i do. In fact i suspect that being controlled too rigidly is what makes me want to run away. Marcus maintains it's reactance and there's possibly some truth in that but I sense there's more to it than that.

Sure, i would like a Master to have control over my life but not necessarily to control it. The difference i see in these two statements is that whereas the first describes a Master's involvement and final and, i should say, unappealable decisional power over a slave's life, the second seems to hint to a constant pain-staking passing or denying any decision a slave has to take in his life. It's kind of like bondage: i do like the idea of being helpless and vulnerably exposed but i would rather be free to serve and work to please my Owner. My service to my Master is something that i'm happy to offer as a tribute, a gift to symbolise and materialise my devotion to him, it's not something to be enforced every minute of the day, something which, i should add, must require a lot of work on the Master's part.

I suppose i prefer a model where I'm free to move and take decisions that put my Master's needs and interests at the core, instead of being told which foot to get up on.

has it already been since august?

i've been debating over what to do with this blog. If a blog's like a breathing, living creature, i'm afraid this one's been in a coma for a while. To be fair, I've been at its bedsite for a while now, bringing it flowers and trying to awaken it again but without success. I make mental notes of things i want to write about but somehow i never actually get to doing it.

I suppose i was a little fatigued by the perennial cycle of getting excited about talking to someone new and then seeing it not turn into anything. It felt like i was constantly writing about that when the real issue, namely what might actually have been the interconnecting wrongness of all these possibilities, appeared to blur more and more into vagueness.

I've considered calling it a day, blog-wise, but somehow it feels that there's stil more to be said, that the internal battle within me is not quelled and the virus is not defeated. Just like the blog, it was only dormant.

in my mind

i woke up the other day with fantasies involving cleaning. It might be the effect of the heavy pain medication i'm under as a result of a back injury but i think there's more to it than that. It's not that i fetishise or even enjoy cleaning but the thought of my work being used to make a man's life easier never fails to get me going.

In the past, i have been kept scrubbing floors and toilets to understand and accept my role and position. It's not that i necessarily enjoyed doing it, but on my hands and knees doing this mindless job i felt that the distance between me and my then Owner was immense and i felt content in my role. i loved the thought of cleaning the toilet he pissed in and scrubbing the floor he walked on. In my flat, i hate doing any of that but in that situation, i was more than happy to take time out of my life to do this job for my Owner.

That relationship was for me, the last one i've experienced that i have thoroughly felt as real and now, after repeated unsuccessful attempts at dedicated service, i can't help but wonder: what is going wrong?

A lot of people write on their profiles: no timewasters. I've been wondering what a timewaster is. Am i one? i suppose for most people out there a time waster is someone who likes exchanging messages but never actually intends to meet, or even worse makes the arrangement and in the end doesn't show. Now, i've never been a no-show, in fact, i've even shown at times when i really wasn't in the mood for doing that at all. I do it anyway. Why? I'm not sure. On the one hand there's the possibility that things could go unexpectedly well, on the other i really don't like disappointing someone and i generally feel that if i've committed to something, i have to go through with it.

When i reflect too much on it, what type of man i'd like to serve?, why isn't it working?, people tell me that i'm too much in my own head, that i have to let go and simply serve. I've tried that, and i don't think it really works. If it doesn't feel right, it usually keeps not feeling right. And when i keep going in spite of the way i feel, eventually i'm told i give out mixed signals, that i'm not sure what i want, that i express indecision but go ahead with it, only to later say it's not working. Maybe in this way i am in fact wasting people's time but i really don't have a clear recipe for not doing that other than not meeting people at all.

Possibly i'm expecting too much. I expect there to be a connection with a Master. i expect to care about him, and possibly for him to care about me. At the same time, i can't go full time because i do have another relationship that's important to me. "you want your cake and eat it", i can hear a lot of people say. Whatever. This is my reality, and it is what i have to work with.

I've even started considering recently that maybe what i'm seeking i can only ever really experience in my head. i've been blessed with a good deal of imagination and i can experience things in my head. Or i can read. Living them would be a bonus, sure, but it's definitely better to read a good story than live a bad one. Some guy i used to like used to sing: there's more to life than books, but not much more. And certainly there is more to life than there is to books but, once again, not that much more.

So while waiting for Master Perfect i can simply browse, surf, read, dream. And when it gets too much and it feels like this deeper need is just too unfulfilled i can usually manage an easy trick to "yank" it out of me.

the gangsta and the gay boy

cyberhonesty

Sometimes i wonder why i do the things that i do. Sure, meeting someone new is always exciting but when you've just started talking to somebody you haven't met yet, should you start complying with their requests? It's hard not to. For me, at least. Requests may come in during the day while i'm at work and i could simply say that i've complied without actually doing so, but then i'm overcome by this sense that i would be letting him down and i can't really cope with it. So i comply. i follow the requests of the exciting stranger behind the text message. And i've never been much for online/on-the-air games but it's hard to deny him what he wants when my instinct is to try and please him. I have to say similar experiences in the past have been quite disappointing. The more there's been pre-encounter activity, the less has the encounter been likely to actually happen, or lead to anything regular, or positive. Or both. But what can i say, ironically i'm rather optimistic in general and open every new chapter with a clean slate. It's not an effort, it comes quite natural.

the long silence

A long silence, i know. Things have been partly out of my control. I've made one more attempt at finding that which i feel is lacking from my life, one more attempt that hasn't gone as i would have hoped. The silence was not necessarily imposed but partly provoked by the master who wanted me to submit posts to him for approval. Maybe the blog is one area of my life, possibly not the only one, that i don't want to subject to someone else's will and i suppose this sense of rebellion stirring within me that i couldn't quell ended up catalysing the overall response that brought me to want to reaffirm my independence. It's getting harder to stay in a place where i can simply serve and obey, maybe i'm developing more of a dom personality. Dear reader, i've just laughed harder than you have. I tell myself it's simply because i haven't met the man who makes me want to relinquish control. Far from me to suggest that this has nothing to do with me and is only dependent on who i'm dealing with, after asserting my independence i have naturally gravitated once again towards the virtual spaces where one might meet the sort of man that i hope will make me want to simply bow my head, serve and obey.

container and content

Often when meeting dominant men off the internet the topic of the blog comes up in conversation. In this way what's supposed to be a log of something going on, an observation tool, becomes itself what's going on, the object of discussion and the element being observed. The container becomes the content.

Some people ask me not to write about them, or not to say things that will identify them. One man, whom i was tentatively in service to, once told me initially to stop writing it, an instruction that i promptly complied with, but later asked me to resume my writing as it would help him understand what was going on inside my head. This second order proved harder to follow.

Without any delusion of creative independence or artistic integrity, the blog is nevertheless a spontaneous outburst of thoughts, sometimes nonsensical (you might have noticed), that i like to freeze in these casual, irregular posts. I don't sit down thinking: what shall i write about today... In fact, most of the time it actually helps me make sense of confused thoughts that orbit the hollowness of my brain.

But being asked to write, if anything, inhibits me because i feel as though i'm writing for someone else, which makes it a dialogue, and a dialogue is generally less honest than a monologue.

I've met somebody this week, and although these days i'm careful not to trust my instincts too much, i really liked him. But we discussed the blog, and now i feel that if i write something complimentary it's going to sound dishonest, so i'll avoid discussing it at this stage.

rest

The blog's resting as i am. I'm on a break. If it's a voluntary one, i can't say. I'm not hostile to the idea of meeting someone new but i've grown somewhat tired of the business of online enslavement. Few people catch my attention these days, i'm unable to be excited about the cold calculating machine of online hook-ups. I'm always in touch with Dave and i curl up in the warm comfort of an interaction that is so uncomplicated and natural and i curse the distance that dooms the possibility of anything happening but also speculatively wonder if it's not the very ingredient that has kept this alive.

I've considered removing my online profile altogether but i suspect it would only end up being a temporary, short-lived suspension. I know people who do this all the time: they remove their profile, create a new one, remove it, then a new one and so on. i know that i can't completely remove this element from my life so why pretend.

But just as i'm writing this someone interesting has materialised. The name is promising. We'll see what comes out of it.