in my mind

i woke up the other day with fantasies involving cleaning. It might be the effect of the heavy pain medication i'm under as a result of a back injury but i think there's more to it than that. It's not that i fetishise or even enjoy cleaning but the thought of my work being used to make a man's life easier never fails to get me going.

In the past, i have been kept scrubbing floors and toilets to understand and accept my role and position. It's not that i necessarily enjoyed doing it, but on my hands and knees doing this mindless job i felt that the distance between me and my then Owner was immense and i felt content in my role. i loved the thought of cleaning the toilet he pissed in and scrubbing the floor he walked on. In my flat, i hate doing any of that but in that situation, i was more than happy to take time out of my life to do this job for my Owner.

That relationship was for me, the last one i've experienced that i have thoroughly felt as real and now, after repeated unsuccessful attempts at dedicated service, i can't help but wonder: what is going wrong?

A lot of people write on their profiles: no timewasters. I've been wondering what a timewaster is. Am i one? i suppose for most people out there a time waster is someone who likes exchanging messages but never actually intends to meet, or even worse makes the arrangement and in the end doesn't show. Now, i've never been a no-show, in fact, i've even shown at times when i really wasn't in the mood for doing that at all. I do it anyway. Why? I'm not sure. On the one hand there's the possibility that things could go unexpectedly well, on the other i really don't like disappointing someone and i generally feel that if i've committed to something, i have to go through with it.

When i reflect too much on it, what type of man i'd like to serve?, why isn't it working?, people tell me that i'm too much in my own head, that i have to let go and simply serve. I've tried that, and i don't think it really works. If it doesn't feel right, it usually keeps not feeling right. And when i keep going in spite of the way i feel, eventually i'm told i give out mixed signals, that i'm not sure what i want, that i express indecision but go ahead with it, only to later say it's not working. Maybe in this way i am in fact wasting people's time but i really don't have a clear recipe for not doing that other than not meeting people at all.

Possibly i'm expecting too much. I expect there to be a connection with a Master. i expect to care about him, and possibly for him to care about me. At the same time, i can't go full time because i do have another relationship that's important to me. "you want your cake and eat it", i can hear a lot of people say. Whatever. This is my reality, and it is what i have to work with.

I've even started considering recently that maybe what i'm seeking i can only ever really experience in my head. i've been blessed with a good deal of imagination and i can experience things in my head. Or i can read. Living them would be a bonus, sure, but it's definitely better to read a good story than live a bad one. Some guy i used to like used to sing: there's more to life than books, but not much more. And certainly there is more to life than there is to books but, once again, not that much more.

So while waiting for Master Perfect i can simply browse, surf, read, dream. And when it gets too much and it feels like this deeper need is just too unfulfilled i can usually manage an easy trick to "yank" it out of me.