the south coast

the south coast experience is drawing to a close. I feel bad being the one who breaks things up but when things are not working, they're just not working. You can try and find in yourself the desire to serve and to put yourself second to someone else but ultimately there's only so much you can fool yourself.

I also think i've sort of lost it a bit, the ability to be a good slave. I think i'm just not that dedicated anymore. Like i've written in a previous post, i'm waiting for someone who'll drag me right back into it but i don't feel willing to show too much initiative anyway. If i am to meet someone who's going to take control of me, he has to take this control, instead of relying on my desire to give it up.

I realise this is a whole big contradiction, it's a very delicate balance but the basis of any relationship is a delicate balance and a Master/slave relationship is no different. You can't make it work on paper. You can't overdefine what can or can't be done, what everyone is supposed to feel.

i don't know if i can still be a slave. there's only so many people you can feel loyal to. You can't feel loyal to one man, then another, then another... it's a very strong bond and it is cheapened by being redefined so frequently.

I think i've updated my profile too quickly to add my owner's profile as required by him. But the truth is, there's never been an owner who's taken the time to display his ownership of me on his profile and i felt touched by this gesture. Now i feel stupid to take it off a mere couple of weeks after it went up but i think it's necessary.

Some time ago, a man i was chatting to asked me: 'when did you first realise that you were a slave?'. Not 'when did you first become one' or 'when were you first enslaved'. This idea of it being something that is within me, rather than something that i choose evokes a deeply felt response in me. I don't know if it's there or not. I don't know if i'm a slave regardless of whether i'm owned by anybody. I suspect that if i were a proper slave i wouldn't be breaking things up with my current owner and i would just make it work from my point of view until he'd get tired of me. Saying that things aren't working so i'm stopping doesn't sound like slave talk to me. So i feel ashamed of it, but this kind of slavery involves an element of free will that contradicts it.

Devotion, though, is a big fucking thing and i don't think you can be devoted to slavery, you must be devoted to a master, your Master. These switches just dilute what is a very powerful and deeply felt bond and at the moment i feel so diluted i'm just dirty water.