big brother

So, life's been going on. I've been making timid attempts at letting my slave self come out again but it just doesn't seem to happen. My current theory is that it's all down to chemistry.

A lot of people don't want to meet for a preliminary talk to find out about each other and see if we want to take things up a notch. They feel that if we meet in a social situation the mood will be spoilt, that we'll just be friends and it will be hard to move to a Master/slave dynamic.

I think these are the people that it won't work with anyway. I need to serve a Master who's confident, because I lack that confidence, a Master who can be in charge even if we're having a drink, who doesn't need me to be tied up to feel empowered, who can feel our different roles the way i can. If he's all shy when we meet for a drink, it's not going to work only because he acts dominant at his place.

I guess it's almost a romantic approach, i need to feel seduced by, interested in, excited about my Master. Not deliberately seduced and not sexually excited - although that's clearly going to happen too - but excited about who he is and how he makes me feel. I can't agree on the basis of a chat: yes i'll be your slave and you'll be my master. It's something that we need to find out in person.

These days i'm even fantasising about a very odd, hard to define relationship. Maybe it's what they call older/younger brother. Someone that i'm more friends with, where there's complicity and genuine interest in each other, but knowing, though, that i will take care of his sexual needs and that he's the one in charge. Without all the theatre.

I'm just feeling a little disappointed about how things tend to go in fetishland, it's all treated as though it were a separate reality that has to be kept distant from everything else whereas i need to try and integrate it into my everyday life.