someone new

i have met someone new. well, we haven't met technically, i'm going to brighton to meet him this weekend. Talking to him i feel so close and so far from what i'm seeking. And so close and so far from understanding what it is this thing that i'm so desperately seeking. Belonging, safety, security. All this seems to be waiting for me at a man's feet, this magical place that just like the end of a rainbow always seems close by, and yet it is impossible to reach.

So i'll go to brighton, if he likes me i'll serve him and i'll come back. Maybe i'll feel satisfied coming back, or maybe i'll be wondering why i did it. i guess it will all depend on how i feel about him.

i do try to empty myself of personal feelings and learn to serve regardless of my personal preferences, and i do, sometimes, my actions take place inside, outside and next to me, i can let them happen without relating to them, carrying out a task without necessarily answering the question why i am doing it. But sooner or later the question catches up with me and expects an answer, and won't let go until it's got it out of me, or at least until i've given it proper attention.

i'm not the soulless slave that i try to be sometimes, the robotic automaton that carries out orders without question.

i so wish i was: capable of serving the young and the old, the good-looking and the ugly, aware of my role as a service provider. instead i have emotions that get in the way and come to haunt me.

Once D told me: i don't expect my slave to exhibit free will. He was angry with me for something i had done and when a Master has been angry with you, you can't forget it ever. He used to say that punishment cleanses the mistake, that it wipes the slate clean, but to me there was never any going back. The pain of having messed up always stays with you

Maybe being a slave should be all about relinquishing pain and emotions, abandoning my body for someone else to manage. Well, i'm not doing very well at it, i'm constantly stuck with this bundle of confused emotions where i can't tell one end from the other.

It's only monday and the end of the rainbow still looks pretty far.