still on the market

The other day i met someone new. We'd chatted a couple of times but not extensively and never got around to arranging anything.

The experience was quite intense and again led me to wonder what it is exactly that i'm looking for. I don't feel willing to become a slave again. Not now. I don't know why. I'm leaving it up to a potential owner to convince me that that is still what i want.

I think that ultimately for me to define an experience of this nature as positive i have to have the feeling that i've managed to please who was using me. And this time i didn't get that impression. I didn't think he was pleased or had particularly enjoyed himself which evokes only one response from me: the experience was negative, i must get out of here.

Yet it felt right to be naked and available, try and focus on someone else, try to serve and please him. I guess i have this overwhelming desire to make myself useful. It's a little pathetic really. It is really all about being in service to someone. I can't say for sure that i enjoy the abuse part of things. I take it because that's what's expected of me and I try not to complain about it.

A lot of people don't necessarily understand that i don't define all of this as "hot". i don't find it hot to be "used and abused", what i find hot is for a man to have that kind of power over somebody else. So the emphasis is not on me, and i don't want it to be. Masters who try to think about me having a good time by doing this or that, who want to know what i like, what i do, lose my attention quickly. Masters who try to educate me to learn what they like and give me the opportunity to give them exactly what they want retain my interest and loyalty for ever.

The reason that i call myself a slave is not that i want to be bound, gagged, fucked or beaten but that i want to be instrumental to someone else's pleasure.