give peace a chance

We go through life piling up experiences upon experiences that in one way or another mold and define who we are. Every once in a while we come across something or someone that leaves a definite imprint in our mental landscape. Our heads are littered (literally) with events that we sometimes can't make sense of but somehow end up indelibly drawing the map of our minds.

Some time ago i read a story online on the nifty archive. I think this story has marked me quite dramatically. It's called "puppy love". It's about a guy, Pete, who over time discovers, then is overwhelmed by and eventually comes to terms with his submissive nature. All this, aided by Matt, his dominant counterpart with whom he gets involved in an initially undefined relationship that simply develops naturally around the spontaneous dispositions of the two characters.

i have to say, the thing that has struck me most in this story is how Pete retraces the same mental path over and over. In experiencing Matt's dominance and unwavering definition of how their unusual relationship is going to work, he goes around in circles submitting to him, experiencing the overwhelming flow of emotions his submission stirs up in him, finding joy in his owner's protection, then rationalising the unfairness of their relationship, freaking out about how he can let himself be subjected to this kind of treatment, feeling jealous of the fact that Matt also has a girlfriend, acting out to reaffirm his own independence, only to finally come face to face with Matt and re-experiencing the weakness in the knees and the calm of his surrender and find security again under his owner's wing. The whole story is a constant replay of this cycle marked by the peacefulness and happiness that Pete feels when with Matt and the desperate loneliness and anger he experiences when his owner leaves him to go off with his girlfriend.

This struck me because i find myself going through similar ups and downs that make it very hard to have much of a clue about what i actually want. And in the process i end up confusing those who come in contact with me with mixed messages and so much uncertainty.

Last night i made a bit of a fool of myself in one such situation, giving one signal one minute and an entirely different one the next. And i hate this feeling where i feel like i'm wasting someone's time with all this crap that's in my head.

Of all the things that Neil told me there's one that keeps resonating in my head: i don't give my submission a chance. i don't know if this is true. There's certainly other people who would firmly agree with him. I thought i was healed, that i wasn't afraid of ownership anymore. But i am. And there's this fear of disappointing, of taking a commitment i'll end up not being able, or willing, to keep, and again feel like a fraud, like i've wasted someone's time. So i keep gravitating towards the idea of ownership unsure as to whether i actually want to land.