waiting for the call

Tonight I'm due to talk to my Master for the first time. I'm feeling very anxious waiting for his call. The other day I was talking to a friend about this new development with my new distant Owner and he was very surprised when i told him we hadn't met. So he said: "But you have spoken on the phone, right!?" and i said... er, yes. I have no idea why i did that and i felt stupid lying about it but i feel so insecure about this whole thing that i couldn't face someone else questioning how i can say he's my owner when we haven't even spoken. I get this from all over the place, not to mention from inside my own head so i couldn't take another adverse comment: i needed a more supportive and understanding response. My interlocutor seemed reassured by my answer, so being deceitful works.

Some will say i'm in denial, i would answer that i don't care, but i would find it hard to defend this assertion considering the web of lies i've become entangled in. I've based my choices so far on an online chat. Maybe it wasn't the wisest thing to do but it's what i have decided to do and i don't want to have to defend it before people all day long.

As the time quickly approaches 10.30pm and my phone lies silent on the table next to me, the doubt insinuates that the call might not come at all today. It's a possibility that will force me again to consider if i've been right to allow myself to be swept off my feet by this virtual presence that i'm so waiting to see burst into my tangible world with one powerful leap.

If the call doesn't come, it won't be the end of the word. I'm not the sort of person who'll say "you didn't call and now it's over" but it will put a nail in the coffin of this ownership's credibility. I'm putting so much hope into what's looked from the beginning as a very unlikely development and now i'm hoping that he will, with one gesture, come to my rescue to show that i did right trusting my instincts.

In the meantime my friend is going to find out about my little lie when he reads this, but i'll feel better if he knows anyway. Sorry, B.