out of the cage

Once i read something that Griego de Caballos had written talking about an ex-boyfriend. He wrote i miss you but you no longer occupy that special place in my heart. These words came back to me today as i was thinking about C, my first important master who i used to be in service to over 3 years ago. i have issues with him, issues i haven't managed to resolve. They involve intimacy, breaking barriers, honesty, care, detachment. A lot has changed since the time i used to devotedly look up to him but that place that he had in my heart is his and i can't seem to manage to evict him. My heart isn't a place that people can walk through. It's desolate devastated land that some people build something in. Or where maybe i build something for them. Whatever that may be, that place is theirs and i never claim it back. That's how it has become the overcrowded space it is now and how i've managed to lose my bearings trying to find my way around it.

And today, on my train to work, i sent C a message suggesting to meet up. I did so knowing very well that that time 3 years ago is 3 years away. But it was an attempt to play, play a part in a scene that used to represent me so well. It took some courage on my part to write that message. On the one hand because i don't normally initiate this sort of thing and on the other because the last time i spoke to him, my issues spoke for me. But it only took half a portion of courage. My train was underground and it was easy to press the send button knowing that those few words wouldn't be able to escape the confinement of my tunnel and the message would end up in my unsent items. One step at a time. Upon my arrival, i left the station, and held the phone in my hand knowing those few words were in there somewhere. i hesitated for a while afraid of rejection, then i played another role again, the character who has the second half of that portion of courage. So trying not to think about it too much i opened the cage and watched as those words billowed out of my phone into the morning air.