gravity

The air of detachment persists. Even though i'm always inevitably drawn towards online hubs of kink where i persistently dialogue with men of a dominant disposition, i still hesitate to trust. It's not that i don't trust them: i don't trust that they'll be the person that i need to have in my life, that they'll fill those big shoes that i've been preparing. So i don't fool myself and am becoming intolerant of those who seem to want to fool me.

Slave and Master are big words and i now beware of them, and of anyone who uses them too early on. I'm submissive and i'll always respond submissively to a dominant personality. There's not a lot that i can or want to do about that. But if you call me your slave after we've exchanged two messages, i can only think that we don't share the same idea of what ownership means. In fact i doubt that i can truly be owned by someone else, i doubt that i can give away that much of me. i have now discovered that my natural response to these claims is to run.

i'm at a stage where i want to enjoy my submissiveness, enrich it by making it a part of me that i can unashamedly look at feeling it fit me like a glove. i don't want to make it the thing that rules, runs and ruins my life. I like experiencing it because it's the tingly sensation that goes through my body when i'm in front of a naturally dominant man, that doesn't make me feel inferior but makes me realise that i've entered an orbit that is stronger than my own and i can reassuringly allow myself to gravitate around it for a while.

But it's orbits that draw me too strongly that make me fear an imminent collision or, at the very least, a vertiginous fall and i don't want either of those at the moment.

The boyfriend is leaving in about a week and, after enjoying for a while the comforts of our relationship, i'll be at that point once again alone with my submissive self, ready to explore it but careful not to explode it.