rocks under the water

Quite some time since my last post which doesn't reflect a lack of things happening but rather a lack of time for blogging.

Things didn't work all that well with the man referred to as the "new master" in my earlier posts. It was quite a disappointment. In that case, what seemed like online chemistry translated to no chemistry at all once we were face to face. I travelled once again outside of London anxious to meet him. I still remember the feeling of getting a text from him when i was on the train.

What i find odd about this business of meeting people online is that when you first start talking to someone online you form an opinion about them, an idea of what they might be like. You basically create them inside your head. You then meet them and generally they'll be a little different from the way you thought they'd be. They'll look a little different from their photos, you can see that which you thought you could see in the picture but face to face they are a different person. Sometimes you go on to see them for quite a long time but for whatever reason that first person you had created in your mind is always there, you can always see them again in your mind and remember the way they made you feel. Or at least that's what happens to me. Even now i can reconnect again with that person i was talking to before i actually met him.

When i got his text i had been on a train for some time already. I'd been up for several hours, to get ready, to get to the station early, to catch my train and to arrive at his place at a time that would be reasonably early for a saturday morning. His text came to me as he was just waking up and after my own anxious morning trying to get things done on time, i immediately relaxed and got hard at the thought of what separated his saturday morning from mine. I remember wishing i could go straight to his place and wake him up on my knees and with his breakfast. But this was our first encounter so he was going to pick me up at the railway station and drive me to his place.

When i arrived it was raining quite hard and i had to wait for a little while outside the station because he waited for me to arrive before he left his house to drive out to pick me up. But of course i didn't mind all that as i was still waiting for that person that i had met in the intricate corridors of my mind.

It was quite unfortunate that the car that stopped in front of me to pick me up had inside a very different person, one who looked quite different from the one i had seen in his photos and who felt very different. One that didn't speak to me at all on the way to his place. One who felt a little awkward and ill at ease in that situation. Suddenly this had become a cheap pick up at a railway station and driving home for some anonymous sex.

It become even more anonymous as a blindfold was fastened over my eyes back at his place. Initially i felt that that way i could still see the master that had existed in my mind but, as things went on, it became obvious that awkward is awkward even with a pillow duct-taped over your head. As he started taking photos of me, it became clear that he was making the most of this one-time meet and i became sad and asked to leave.

On the train back I didn't feel sad any more. The person i was leaving behind was not the one i thought i'd be meeting and all i could feel was an incredible sense of confusion. I missed Mr Glasgow, wished that i could see him again but above all there was the desire to take a break from any Master/slave situation.

I came home thinking that i wouldn't be seeking to commit to anyone for some time, that i wanted to meet people more casually, stop jumping into slavery so easily, perhaps meet someone where there could be complicity, understanding, fun and, next to it, a good match sexually. I told myself that i wouldn't commit to serving any one man until one came along where it felt i had no other choice.

But that same saturday afternoon i talked to someone else.