the crowded couch

Burnt to an inch of our bones, we're spending the day in the shade today.

I checked my messages on slave4master. Requests to become someone's slave still leave me uninterested. The journey into enslavement is not something i want to consider again, yet.

If i must put a name to the way i feel, i feel "betrayed" by my master. my ex-master. i'm sure he wouldn't see it this way and even more sure that he never intended for me to feel this way. But just like when i was seeing him and my therapist was insisting that i admit to myself that what i was subjecting myself to was cruelty, when i staunchly refused to refer to it in those terms, now the word i'm trying to avoid, but have to deal with, is betrayal.

But the independent side of me is taking charge of my body and my life these days. The slave is on a break, taking a vacation, and reduced to inhabiting a very small portion of my being. He can't really cope with meeting someone new: how could anybody new claim any rights over him? The walls are sealed and i can't let anybody new in. My therapy keeps revolving around four people: my boyfriend and, chronologically, C, L and my ex-master who i might as well start referring to as D. And it's crowded enough for one pretty small couch without the need to start letting more people in. I'd have to start letting people out but i don't seem to be very good at that. I need presence, not absence, and all three dominants i've let into my life have become absent. From time to time, unexpectedly, they come back, show some interest and then disappear, just as suddenly, leaving behind nothing but a sense of unfillable void.