childhood trauma

At the age of 3 or 4, while on holiday with my family, my mother had put me down for a nap in the afternoon. But i didn't sleep because a frightening monster was in the room with me. I remember it flying around the bedroom in crazy spins and the noise, the buzz, growing louder and quieter as the thing flew back and forth, closer and farther from me. i remember the noise it made when it hit the window, like an electric discharge. i was crying and shouting trying to get somebody to rescue me but nobody came. i remember trying to find the strength to get out of bed, reaching out to grab the door handle and get out of the room. The next thing i remember is peeping out of the kitchen window at my mother sunbathing on the terrace.

For a long time, these memories were in my head but i thought they were a dream. I have had a fair share of nightmares about insects throughout my childhood and i guess i always figured this was one of them. It is only around the age of 12 that i found out this had actually happened.

i am generally a rather controlled person but all my life there's only been one thing that has made me completely lose control. That is that buzz: i'm terribly frightened of insects, the ones that fly, that buzz, that move fast and seem out of control. Especially if in a confined space, i get panic attacks, i shout, i run, i try to get away, i can't control myself.

When my memories were confirmed as being true, i was also told that when my mother found me, my face was flushed with a multitude of tiny red dots as blood vessels had burst under the strain and effort of shouting.