There are times when you're with a dominant man and your mind starts to wander and you might end up considering how embarrassing it would be if Maureen from accounting could see you now as you're on all four and this guy is using your back as a footstool. These are the times when you might as well be killing time with Maureen from accounting planning the next company get-together because your mind is clearly not where it should be.
And then there are the times when Maureen from accounting doesn't exist, there are no company get-togethers and you couldn't even tell what your job title is because the comforting weight of this man's feet on your back, the area where his skin meets yours, sensing his relaxation as he looks down on you and imagining how you must make him feel is all that matters.
Understanding the cause of these very different states of mind is not always straight forward but the symptom seems pretty clear: when focus is key, your mind can be in it or not. For my mind to be "in it" it has to disconnect from everything else that isn't relevant in the moment and the only way that happens, in my experience, is when i manage to let go. Let go of worries, doubts, reflections, and i let my body respond spontaneously to the situation.
Now that doesn't happen all that often, to disconnect from everything else and let yourself go into blissful trust you have to be pretty comfortable with the other person. It definitely didn't happen in one recent situation I have found myself in lately with one man i was strongly captivated by. His zest and liveliness made him very fascinating to a somewhat quieter personality such as myself but it came, alas, with an unfortunate side-effect. He would constantly question me as to what i was feeling, how i was experiencing something and what my thoughts were about what was happening. Letting go was clearly not an option here as i was constantly called back to account for my emotions. I barely felt i had the time to experience anything because all i had to do was worry about expressing what, in the incessant verbalisation, i had no energy left to actually experience.
Furthermore, his vivacity made him fluctuate between this and another kind of verbal interaction that proved perhaps even more taxing: joking. How do you interact with a Master when you don't know if he's being serious or not? The kind of mental steps you have to take as a slave to let go of your boundaries and embrace someone else's desires to make them your own can't happen if, upon being given an order, you have to wonder: is he being serious? In fact, i really can't do it. In the headspace i get into when allowing my submissive self to come out, i take everything i'm given at face value. The words my Master speaks are understood to be honest and true. Final. Am i really expected to experience submission if i'm there worrying about throwing witty remarks back and forth with him and engage in playful banter? Is that really the kind of interaction that can lead to a relationship based on dominance and submission? Is it me who have to get a sense of humour, as he suggests, or does he need to get more of a sense of what it is to be in a position of authority?
When i was a kid, my father, who i never thought of as an authority figure, nothing compared to my gestapo-mum, used to drive me insane with his constant jesting. You could never get a straight answer out of him to the point that i would admonish him, aged 6 or 7, with what later became the catchphrase of my childhood: "Dad, can you be serious for once". Now, i really don't see myself going into slavery asking my Master: "Sir, can you be serious for once..."
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