on belonging

i miss D, i've said that. Then guess what, L pops up, a few stupid words and i miss him too. Then C is online. We chat a little. And i miss his presence in my life and the security of those days. This is why i don't let myself trust my feelings and why i don't take decisions based on how i feel.

What should i make of that? Ok, i miss three people instead of one, i guess that's not so bad. it's a desire to have some reality out there, some reason to belong.

These days i'm following the world cup when i've never really cared at all about football. If you call my bluff i'll probably admit that i still don't and yet today i was actually wearing a blue t-shirt with the letters I-T-A-L-I-A on it and i went to watch the game with a few other fellow countrymen (and a czech chick). If you try and convince yourself long enough that you care, in the end you start to believe that you do and you suddenly have found something else going that you can call your own, that you can feel attached to.

I'm a bit tired of living in my stupid head i just want to do meaningless stuff because the fancy takes me even if that's just watching some sport event on a big screen with other people who also think they care so we can all feel happy and hug because our team has won.