the bully

a couple of weeks ago i chatted after many months with someone who used to own me a long, long time ago: my first longer-term real-life master, in fact. His presence in my life was something of a short-lived, negative experience: never before had i met someone who could so skillfully manage to make me feel really shit about myself.

He has spent the last 15 months or so on some sort of death-row blocked status on my msn buddy list while i told myself i should delete him altogether. For some reason i didn't manage to delete him, however many times i considered it. i obviously seek that which destroys me. Besides, he exists in my mind landscape and there is no way for me to actually erase him even if i delete him from all my contact lists.

he is a sort of school bully: the guy that you dread running into because he's going to embarrass you in front of other people, force you to do stuff you "don't" want to do and make you feel lowly and dirty.

With him it's always a mix of being wanted and rejected. I used to look at him with a desire to please him and be wanted but he would always respond talking to me like he considered me a piece of trash. At the same time he did want me as a slave because i responded with genuine hurt to his taunts and he enjoyed that.

In this latest chat he again confused me with mixed messages. In his eyes, my submissiveness classifies me as a "looser", someone of little worth to amuse himself with. At the same time he says "you were perfect, exactly what i wanted" and i stupidly feel pleased by this remark however marked with contempt.

His approach kept me hooked for some time, yearning for his approval and consideration, something that appeared always out of reach, if not altogether out of sight. A final embrace that never came, replaced instead by cold mockery and ridicule.

Although determined to see the positive side of this somewhat twisted rapport in the satisfaction i could see it gave him, i eventually untangled myself and managed to escape from him. During the last few weeks i was his, i would feel nauseous and uneasy all day, his influence penetrated every moment of my life and i was completely unable to ever feel relaxed and at ease.

When i started freeing myself from his ownership i felt the greatest relief, like i could finally start breathing again. It took time, though. For a long period he kept trying to keep me in some sort of cybercaptivity by refusing to return my online accounts' passwords, insisting that i owed him one thing or another.

He obviously feels my own reactions are somehow inconsistent and i couldn't blame him for it. I both seek and run away from the treatment he so naturally reserves for me. I can't help it. I was genuinely pleased to talk to him again even though there is no doubt in my mind i am better off as far away as possible from this man. The last time we chatted i ended up having to block him because i felt terribly low for days and didn't dare unblock him until very recently.

There is no solution to this situation. I think he instinctively gets me without rationally understanding me at all. Even in my persistent attempt to try and make things right and get along with everybody, i can do nothing but surrender in the face of the mix of attraction and repulsion (intended as the force that naturally pushes 2 entities away from each other) that will always characterise this particular relationship.