dead end

again L comes to confuse me with a mixture of care and carelessness, displays of affection and total lack of consideration. And again i let this affect me in a way that irritates me beyond belief. i'm beyond the stage where i feel i can play along with this and i need to learn to formulate some kind of response. Damage control. All my positiveness that i managed to keep going for so long comes crashing down when once again he says he wants to see me, tells me what day and then lets me know it's not happening only because i ask him about it a few hours before. There's never any consideration for me, my time, my life. I am constantly reminded that all that has no value. And i obviously feel the same way because i move everything around to make room on the day he says he'd like to meet. But any chance of us meeting is based on my being available at a moment's notice because everything comes before me and pushes me lower down his priorities. And i'm always the idiot that drops everything the minute he calls. And he says we are friends. But how do you treat a friend this way? A slave, maybe, but a friend? And my desire to see him is so fucking strong. I manage without but then he calls, he offers. And as he gives, he takes away. One moment it's there, the next it's gone. And i'm completely powerless, unable to help being drawn once again in this perverse dynamic that only hurts me. But if i confront him about it, it's all in my head. No way out.