what the butler did

What behaviour is appropriate? Am I reasonable or unreasonable? How many times am I going to sit and wonder about a reaction I've had and try to interpret whether I've acted in an absurd irrational way or I was perfectly within my right to behave the way I did?

When feelings run so close to the surface, it's impossible to have any kind of objectivity.

This is a classic subdiscourse post: one where I have no idea where I'm going but I'm really writing because it's the only way I know to make sense of the shitstorm™ going on inside my head right now.

Let's rewind for a moment. A few months ago I met a Man, a dominant Man, that in the past I would have killed to belong to. He's handsome, he's a nice guy, and he really *really* treats me like a slave, like my whole being revolves around serving. It helps that he grew up having servants so he's very comfortable in this role.

These days, as the careful reader will know, ownership is a term that I stay well away from, and I told him this from the start, I don't want to be anyone's slave at the moment. Serve, yes. Belong, no thanks.

But from the start he's been quite forceful in demanding my time, when he wants it, and quite annoyed about the constraints that other engagements in my life impose on my schedule.

I guess it makes sense, if he sees me as a slave, that "stuff" going on in my life is just an inconvenience that gets in the way of him getting the service that he wants. But I'm not his slave so our exchanges often descend into me having to assert some degree of independence (something that I'm very bad at doing) and him basically making me feel like shit when I say I can't serve him.

Today things ended on a sour note, something I'm not feeling very happy about.

I haven't seen him in a while because our schedules have been severely mismatched: he's only available weekends and I'm only available during the week. But this weekend I'm available so for a while we've known I would be seeing him.

Last week he messages me about this weekend saying he wants me to serve as a waiter at a party he's hosting at his place for a few of his friends and co-workers.

Now, to me serving is such an intimate act of expression, so close to my inner self, that the idea of exposing it in front of a crowd of strangers is overwhelming: too much to bear. In a way I'm even excited by the idea, but it's just too much and I don't know how to deal with it. It might turn out to be liberating to do it but I have to walk that board alone and I don't have the stomach to face those sharks head on.

When I'm serving a dominant man, it's one thing, it's like I can trust him because he understands what I need and my nature and his nature are a perfect match but in front of a random bunch of people, the idea of exposing my very core is just too much. And it doesn't matter that they'd only think of me as a waiter because I would know.

So, thinking that this was what he had in mind for this long awaited weekend, I got annoyed and I said I didn't want to do it, that I didn't want to serve him in front of other people.

He surprised me by being very understanding and saying that it was ok and he would be seeing me the following day, on Sunday, to serve him as a slave and, I thought to myself, quite possibly cleaning up.

So I was supposed to see him this Sunday but this morning he messaged me saying that he wanted to see me this evening. I would serve him sexually, as well as clean his apartment, presumably now for his upcoming soiree. It was inconvenient but I agreed to go.

All day I was nervous and excited about seeing him and just as I was on my way out, I got a message from him saying that his partner was going to be home while I was there.

I felt annoyed, and betrayed. Again I was having to deal with him exposing me in front of people I don't know. I wanted to serve him: to me that is a very intimate relationship, one that I can't share with random people. Already I don't like knowing that I'm cleaning a place that isn't only his, that his partner is benefiting from my slave labour, but I get over that because it is what it is, but while he's there in the next room! To me, that was too much.

So I cancelled and came back home. He was very annoyed. I think it's the last I hear of him and I'm left a little empty and not knowing if I've over-reacted or I was right in doing what I did. I did what I felt I had to but having this desperate desire to please means I now feel bad that I put myself first.

Getting what I wanted is a hollow victory for a submissive...

getting the fear

Recently an episode of Homeland prompted me to look at what's been going on with me recently. 

A character in the show opined that "men are always afraid their wives are secretly crazy and women are always afraid their husbands are really losers." 

Sidestepping the sexism of this statement that's not the topic of this blog, if we transpose those rigid expectations of gender roles to another equally... strike that, even more rigidly defined binary, that of a M/s relationship, which is more pertinent in this blog and with which we feel comfortable using such coarse paint strokes, could we state the same of a Master and his slave? That a Master secretly fears his slave is crazy and a slave that his Master is a loser?

Obviously I don't think that of dominant men but I have dealt with a fair amount of men, who having achieved such high accomplishments in life as selecting "100% active" from a dropdown list now feel that they are entitled to the utmost respect from me. 

I concede that the workings of polite BDSM society require those at the bottom of the pyramid to show respect to those in the higher echelons but I'm often faced with having to draw the line somewhere. 

I normally deal with all people with a modicum of respect and politeness. I reply politely to all polite (and many not so polite) messages. But when people deal with me in the way you would with whatever has popped out of the slot machine after you've pulled the lever expecting me to accommodate requests for photos and personal information to someone who hasn't so much as said hello before they proceed to pull the lever again and see what else pops out, I then do a bit of a U-turn and reconsider. 

Recently I've been a little unlucky with people who have approached me online. Two people were particularly bad. One made arrangements to see me on a particular day (in his own dungeon!), then when the day came, stopped replying to messages. The other made arrangements to see me on a particular day, then when the day came, I got sick and had to cancel for that day, and he stopped responding to messages. 

You see that there seems to be a pattern there. People have problems communicating. I suppose that's what's harder to deal with: you seek a connection to another human being but they just want a fuck and readily move to the next person when that fuck is not immediately available. It's as if the umbrella of online communication has made it impossible to deal with one another as actual human beings and has validated the worst rudeness as though it is now suddenly acceptable to deal with people as disposable fuck holes. 

Fair enough if that's all you're seeking from life but you see how the above mentioned fear can suddenly creep in? 

 

sanity

I don't know how to look after my mental sanity.

I thought regaining some sort of independence from the men I serve without putting all of myself in a single man's hands would help me remain more balanced but, as it turns out, it's just as unsettling.

Last night, in the middle of the night, I started a chat with a man who one could only define as a cock-tease. For months, he's been hinting to wanting to use me, saying the day is coming, even admitting, however, that the more I want him, the more he's turned on by delaying meeting.

After I got out of bed basically to provide him with personalised wanking material, at the end of the chat session, he ended with a very mean message.

My crimes were: (1) asking if he could refrain from calling me "my son". Any other form of address is fine, I said. Although I didn't explain, I just find it creepy to send video of me self-fucking to someone who calls me his "son" and acts like my father. (2) At the end, when he'd finished his wank, given that he knows I've been chaste now for over a month and love the idea that he can cum when he wants and I shouldn't, I asked him if I could see a pic of his cum. This is rather selfish, I'll admit that, but in the context of multiple media being sent back and forth and occasional friendly banter, I asked if he would. I guess in the drowsiness of my nighttime service I figured it mattered that I had got out of bed for him. I would have respectfully accepted a no.

He replied saying he was "very upset with me", that I "didn't understand the Master and slave relationship" and then proceeded to block me. He blocked me after keeping me waiting since May saying he wanted to meet.

This left me with very mixed emotions.

Sadness. A man I had really wanted to please blocked me telling me he was disappointed in me.

Anger. I thought, WTF? Blocking? It's such an immature, passive-aggressive thing. 

Depression. I don't understand how to deal with my emotions, my desire to submit. Every road I take leads to some form of rejection.

More anger. Again, WTF... He's "upset"?

Upset. I feel devastated and can't stop thinking about it. 

Self-loathing. Part of me does think if I've let him down it's still my fault. No matter how much of an asshole he is, if I'm a slave, I should still put myself second and try to please him. Instead I mistook his occasional friendliness and made requests for myself. Maybe it's true that I don't understand the Master/slave relationship. Maybe I do need to disregard completely whatever I want.

But will that really take care of my mental sanity?

The thing I cannot reconcile is that no matter how much of an asshole I think he is, if he contacts me again I will probably apologise and beg for his forgiveness. In other words I have to realise I'm looking for some kind of total annihilation of my own self and have to wonder what is at the end of that road. 

dilemma

The young Man's interest in owning me has raised the issue of whether I want to be owned again. I definitely wasn't interested in the idea until I started talking to him but even now I'm still fighting it. After losing my collar a year ago with so much heartache, I was completely uninterested in re-experiencing ownership and being someone's slave. 

Recently my journey has taken me to a point where I can comfortably see my purpose as that of serving men without the need to centre that on any particular man. I have started to think of my submissiveness as my inner nature, something that defines me, and perceive myself as sitting on a lower level than the men I serve. I'm content with accepting this fact. The question ensues: am I simply turned on by seeing things this way or do I actually think that? Do I really think that I'm lower than and inferior to the men I serve? On some level I feel very comfortable with accepting that, but I'm not 100% sure of what that actually means. In the interaction, it's pretty clear: one party gets to be served, experience pleasure and control the other who is there to provide pleasure, serve and generally be of use. The existence of a clear hierarchy makes it clear that one man is above the other, hence we have a relationship of superiority/inferiority. 

But does that mean that I am always inferior? Could it never be me taking the superior role? I would certainly be uncomfortable with that role and I wouldn't want it. Does that close the matter and make me inferior then? 

Maybe I'm only inferior on this primal instinctive sexual level. I don't think I'm a person unworthy of living, being happy or anything like that but I do find my joy in the service of men, in seeing them as above me. 

The young man I've been talking to certainly connects with me on that level. He's not abusive in any way but, like me, sees me as inferior to him, like a pet human he would like to own, to have a bit of fun, experience power over another human being and generally use me to improve his life. It's a very utilitarian approach to ownership and one that I can understand very well. From my point of view, however, a Master means the beginning and end if it all, it means allowing myself to once again experience loyalty and devotion, being exclusive and all the rest. Am I ready for that again? Am I willing to put myself through all of that again? 

Over the last few months I've made a few "friends". It's all very non-committal and I must admit it doesn't leave me thoroughly fulfilled. I yearn for a stronger connection but serving is maybe its own reward. Do I need to seek fulfilment? When they need me, I'm there, they generally leave satisfied and show that to me by wanting to come back again. Should I seek more? Can't it be enough to know that I have served even if the person I have served doesn't see me as a servant? Should I seek "the Connection" with an Owner? Do I need a man to acknowledge that he sees me as below him? Isn't it enough that I know this about myself? Should I draw the line at service or should I seek to be owned once more?

As always I have way more questions than I have answers. 

the big C

There's been a little development lately.

In spite of my focus on providing service as a pleasure slave, I have recently been talking a lot to one particular man. A conversation that was initially about a very casual encounter, has evolved into something that's about as deep as I've gone with anyone in a long time and has brought up ownership again.

The man in question is much younger than me which has both fascinated me in terms of his enthusiasm and strong opinions and given me pause for thought. I have literally witnessed his discovery of his desire to own another human being.

As usual, when what happens to me involves someone else, I am reluctant to provide too much information about them other than what affects me directly and the thing that's definitely had a considerable effect on me is his growing interest in chastity.

From the beginning of our conversation he's been pointing out that if I'm interested in being a submissive and serving men, I should deny myself pleasure as much as possible. This has resonated with me a lot. I've always had an interest in the idea of chastity and have always thought that my own orgasms were a bit meaningless but I've always had, primarily, a weird physical response to it (ranging from discomfort to mild pain) and, secondarily, not much will power.

When chastity has been imposed on me by a man who had taken charge of me, I have accepted it and honoured the wishes of my betters (usually unaided by any device) but, to be perfectly honest, it has never occurred to me to self-impose chastity on myself.

And when this young man talks about chastity, he means Chastity with a capital C: permanent with no exceptions, no orgasms, no cum release, no prostate milking. The idea is that if you are a submissive you shouldn't be seeking pleasure for yourself or release any cum. You should give Men pleasure and that only Men should produce cum.

Is this an extreme position? I can't even tell anymore. It makes sense to me and it's humbling when someone considerably younger makes you open your eyes to something that you should have been onto for a while.

The question of whether permanent chastity is unhealthy is one that I haven't been able to find a definite answer to. Some advocate for the need to milk the prostate occasionally where others are sceptical of its importance.

Although any talk of ownership is currently on hold, I have been adhering to this new hardline for now coming up to 3 weeks. I had committed to those initially while ownership was being discussed. Even though it got postponed, I'm still sticking to my end of the bargain.

The first 10 days were probably the hardest but I seem to have settled into a good groove now and it does feel proper to focus on a Man's pleasure without seeking out any happy time of my own. This way, happy time is only when the Man i'm serving is experiencing pleasure and it feels good now to be focusing on that exclusively and accept that that's all there is for me.

I think very often people fetishise chastity -- I've done that for a long time too: you put on a chastity device and it's so hot you end up taking it off to have a wank. Waa-waa (sad trombone). I'm not claiming that this will be forever but for the moment it suits me fine and when I reach my mandatory 3 weeks, I'm not sure I will be in a hurry to stop. This constant state of horniness/frustration is a bit like being on a high. The hormones flow through me like drugs keeping me hypersensitive and making me refocus on my own life purpose as a submissive.

the stir

I'm continuing with my new enterprise as a pleasure slave.

After a long period of inactivity, things have been pretty busy and it's nice to be able to "feel" something again and rediscover part of me. I'm being deliberately and necessarily vague because I don't know what that feeling actually is. I realise that most things I do I experience in a very intimate and confusing way. I think I had forgotten this about myself during the time when everything seemed to be clear.

Guys come to see me and I give them my mouth to use for their pleasure. That's all I'm willing to do at the moment. When I was looking for a master, I felt I couldn't negotiate, I had to give all of myself but now I'm in a different transactional space where I feel able to state what I'm bringing to the table and the men I meet take it or leave it on that understanding. I will not let random guys fuck me because to me that's the mark of ownership and I don't take that lightly, but I'm more willing to allow men to use my mouth because that answers a deeply help need I have. I'm happy to admit that: this is not selfless.

Generally they are men who primarily lead a straight life, some are divorced, some have girlfriends.

Disclaimer: they really aren't as many as this makes it sound.

Without any intent to lessen other people's experiences (or primarily because I won't pretend to know what anyone else experiences, especially someone whose life perception is so vastly different from mine) I suspect that what they get out of the exchange is just that: the pleasure of the moment, getting off, perhaps emphasised by a feeling of control and dominance. But I don't know, I'm not in their heads.

What do I get, I ask myself. See, I can't even tell what I, myself, get. I can't quite put my finger on it. I get a good, deep stir, that's what I get. I remember those cartoons when I was a child where two characters get in a fight and it's represented by a dark cloud with random feet, hands and other bits sticking out of it. That's kind of the state I'm in after I've been stirred. Or like a glass of water with some muddy sediment at the bottom. I stir it and it all starts to swirl around and mix together until it all turns into a dark emulsion. Then, when it's all over, the sediment separates from the water again and it floats back down to the bottom of the glass leaving the water seemingly clean again. That's how I experience it, I go from a moment of apparent clarity where all the dark gooey shit is nowhere to be seen to another moment where it's suddenly all over the place and I can't see farther than my own nose.

Sometimes literally. ;-)

Then the sediment takes some time to gather again at the bottom of the glass and that is the intermediary phase I'm in now, the moment where I can start to look around me a little and even tell myself that I can make out what it is that makes up this goo. But then it's all back to the way it was. As it all slips through my fingers, nothing is retained and, with my feet ankle-deep in mud, I need a good stir again.

The stir goes by in a moment. I think. I'm in such a state of confusion when that happens that I couldn't say exactly what goes on. Or maybe I say that now because I'm in the after phase and I'm slightly disconnected from the experience. But I think it's primarily chaos, the gooey sediment spins and I'm caught in the vortex. I go with the flow and don't think about anything else.

But when the stir stops, that's when I start to feel. At first, I get a deep sense of accomplishment when my guests leave. For a brief, fleeting moment I feel fulfilled, centred. Whole. I have pleased. I've gone through it and I've proved myself and I've done well. But that feeling doesn't last long. When the water starts to clear, I start flashing back to what happened. People might be talking with me and quite suddenly I'm not there any more and I remember a movement, a snapshot, a sound. It comes back to me so suddenly that I completely disconnect for a moment and I have to struggle to not appear completely catatonic. Incidentally, I have no idea if I manage that at all. My interlocutors might be perfectly aware that I'm not there anymore. I can't tell because I'm obviously not there. But the initial sense of accomplishment is replaced by the immense distance that I feel from these men whose pleasure and satisfaction meant so much to me in the moment and are now gone. I vacillate between that satisfaction and a complete opposite feeling of loneliness and incompletability. Like a circle that you can never finish drawing because as you draw more of it, the other end of the line starts to fade.

But I look forward to these men returning, to once again stir the mud inside of me because their return gives me the validation that I need. It means I'm doing well.

rise like a phoenix

I'm starting to move my first timid steps back into the world of Dominance and submission but not without a bit of a twist.

Over the last year I have been somewhat fascinated by something that I have come across and that I like to refer to as the 'fag mythology'. I will later on come back to look at this in more detail but, in a nutshell, I have noticed an increasing number of D/s sites and blogs centred around the mythological superiority of straight men over gay men and, by consequence, gay men's calling to live in service to them.

I must have stated this before but, being implicitly drawn to masculinity, straight men have always exerted significant appeal for me as the forbidden land of irresistible club-wielding beer-gulping, burping cavemen who watch sports games in their stained underwear.

I know, it's a horrible stereotype and I should really know better but I'm not as evolved as I like to let on and when dealing in fantasies, they tend to work better along un-nuanced black and white lines.

A few years ago I read a story by one of my favourite erotic writers out of an increasing contingent generously brought to us by the internet: Pete Brown. It was the story of an English electrician who moves to the Middle East to work on a lucrative contract for a multimillionaire slave-owning sultan and quickly adjusts to the local customs, accepting and actively engaging in the practice of slavery. As unlikely a premise as it may sound, it does make for rather compelling reading and Mr Brown is very good at creating rich and elaborate stories, albeit on a slightly repetitive template.

Part of the story is about a section of the sultan's palace where a selection of pleasure slaves are housed for the entertainment and comfort of the guests. The majestic residence has no shortage of servants in all types of roles but these slaves are trained exclusively for the sexual entertainment of the sultan's guests.

Something in that part of the story has always appealed to me. And it isn't just all the sex that's going on but, obviously, the underlying imbalance in the setup where one man is there to get off and the other's life revolves around being there to oblige. There is no violent bringing down of the slave but a very tactile exchange where the slave will even occasionally take the lead in ensuring that his visitor has a good time. I suppose it's not unlike the customer/whore scenario, with the only exception that here the slave gets no financial retribution: he's there to get the man off and when he's accomplished that, his job is done and the man leaves him there until another freeman needs him. Now, that sounds much better to me than a financial arrangement!

So these days I'm playing with that and indulging my little fantasy about straight men. I have figured that the world has no shortage of straight men who don't get as much head as they'd like, when they want and, out of those, a reasonable number will not be entirely averse to having a guy do that for them if it means they can have it whenever they want.

Enter moi.

However small you think the percentage of flexible straight guys is, it still works out to quite a few if you consider that there are a lot of straight people around! You quite literally can't swing a dead cat without hitting a few. The maths is sound, I'm telling you.

And it is entirely within my sphere of comfort to be available when these guys are in the mood, welcome them in my home, make them feel comfortable and give them what they are not getting enough of. When they are done, they feel satisfied, I feel good because I have proved useful and everyone is happy.

Obviously given that I am not a professional whore, I am limiting this arrangement to a very small number. I'm also favouring those who don't just want to get off but are a little responsive to the power dynamic. I'm fighting my natural urge to see only one man because I'm not looking for that level of exclusivity that in the past has been the cause of so much heartache but I'm once again allowing myself to feel that rush and that sense of accomplishment that comes from having served another's needs.

Having played the D/s game for a long time and having been stung so badly recently, this is currently as far as I'm willing to go. There are no slaves and no masters. All I need are a couple of good buddies to pop in every now and again. The when, as I've explained to them, is entirely up to them; within the constraints of when I am actually available - I know: bad, bad pleasure slave!

I've already met a couple of nice guys. One is getting more comfortable with the arrangement. He texts me when he's feeling horny and needs it taken care of. He's starting to refer to me as his little gay boy which I find cute and simultaneously kind of hot. Another guy I've seen once so far (this is all pretty new) but I had a very good time taking care of him.

One other guy I've only been talking to and is considerably more verbally dominant. I don't know if he's just talk or he'll come through. He does come up with some endearing names. He's referred to me as his cock pet, which I also found to neatly hit that cute/hot line.

This is what what I'm comfortable with at the moment, and I'm actually enjoying it. Gone are the days of emotionally consuming myself looking up to one Man to be the be-all and end-all of my submissive life. In the words of Frau Wurst, I rise, out of the ashes of my old slave self, a more confident person up for getting a bit of fun out of life and I've decided that there's nothing wrong with that.

Even for a submissive.

freedom

As i venture into my first few weeks as an uncollared submissive after a very long time, i must say that freedom is not as bad as it may sound.

i don't like to keep talking about my former owner because i want to put this unfortunate experience behind me but obviously many aspects of my submissive self will continue to be, for a time, linked back to him. And something that's happened to me in the last couple of days most definitely is.

As much as i loved my former owner, and saying it now makes me cringe but i'll just casually move past it, things weren't always perfect. Like all long-enduring relationships, one of the eventual victims of time was sex. Well, sex was always an odd topic. To begin with, he was straight. I think. He was aroused (mostly in the early days) by our interaction but never by me. That's something that at first was hard to get used to but with time it became... well, impossible, actually.

I have to say, sex was never the centre of what i was looking for as a slave. But you know what? It does matter. Although initially sex with him was, in spite of the mismatch of our sources of arousal, probably among the most satisfying experiences of my life because of the connection i had to him, or I thought i had --- ok, i'll try to not keep doing this --- over time, we went through what you might characterise as a "dry spell". His sex drive dropped and he became less interested in sex.

This was very frustrating for me because i was just as horned up as ever but, always the dutiful slave, i put whatever needs i thought i might have at the end of the list and went on waiting for him to want to use me again for sex. Obviously he was also quite possessive so i was to be reserved for his exclusive (albeit hypothetical) use.

To stop beating about the bush, this means that until last week i hadn't been used sexually for longer than i can remember. Sure, some messing around may have happened a few months back or so but, really, we're talking... (drumrolls) years. Years.

This was the sad truth of my life as a slave: however in love with my (lying) master, and submissively devoted to his perpetual service, part of me was dying inside. Which is what makes his betrayal even more ridiculously painful. Some will say i was stupid not to get out but when you've accepted that you are someone's slave, someone's property, that their needs come before yours, you accept that it is their will that matters and your needs are, if not irrelevant, at least not very important. You find comfort in doing what you feel is in your nature: submit to someone else. Isn't that how the theory goes?

I was trapped in this dynamic of perpetual self-denial that i had forced upon myself and felt that there was no way out because i had made a commitment to him and i belonged to him. i did see him, serve him, feel useful to him, blah blah, but... yes, years.

After things ended so catastrophically and i started gathering my strengths again, i'm not ashamed to admit, my first desire, my first need, was to be in the presence of a man who actually wanted sex.

Luckily the universe has no shortage of that and a few days ago, in my living room, i found myself on my knees as a zipper was opened in front of me. What can i say... it was a cathartic experience, almost spiritual. I was coming home. I realise how stupid it sounds and i'm glad the person behind the zipper knows nothing about this blog and how he has freed me from my shackles or i'd find it terribly embarrassing but i felt something i hadn't felt in ages. Home. Fulfilled. Twice.

how it ended

I will just write a couple of things about what happened because it is not my intention to go into the details of how things ended with my former owner.

I will just say that he has fundamentally betrayed my trust in a way that I never could have imagined.

I have known him for close to 6 years and I have exposed everything about myself to him. I had full trust in him only to find out that in the last few months he was lying to me for one of the most nefarious reason I can think of.

This has effectively put an end to our relationship but more than that, I think it has affected my ability to fully trust people.

The day I found out, I was out in the street and I was so disgusted that I felt repulsed by everyone around me. I didn't want anything to do with anyone else. I didn't want to talk, or touch, or be in the vicinity of anyone else, other than my partner who has supported me through this.

This was a couple of weeks ago and was the culmination of a couple more weeks of intense pain. 

Fortunately, my ostrich like ability to put things behind me, ignore them, put them in a box and hide it, pretend they never happened, has helped me feel better about this whole thing. I've started to look around me again, and don't feel so repulsed anymore.

But I do feel cheated out of more than 5 years of my life, being involved with someone who turned out to be a pathological liar.

I'll leave it there. The negativity. This is the last I shall speak of this.

I'm just trying to figure out what to do with myself now...

The collar comes off

I'm no longer owned. After 5 years and 8 months, things took a turn for the worse and all ended. I will update this a little later.

puppy love

I spent a couple of days re-reading Puppy Love, Jeff Erno's M/s love story, now a complete trilogy.

Complete trilogy means i suspect there won't be a next book so sadly this is likely to be the last i hear of my 2 favourite D/s characters.

These books are highly recommended for those like me who see the beauty of a D/s relationship, who see it not as a fetish but as a way of being, who are interested in the dynamics of it, more than whips and chains.

The books are also available in Kindle edition.

Here's a review of the book written by Michele L Montgomery:

When I first came across this book, "Puppy Love," I had no idea what I was in for. I like to read stories that don't follow the "norm" of what people say I should be reading. I like to test the boundaries and explore. Wow, I was glad when my eyes caught this book. It's a story about 19 yr. old Petey Drinkel and his coming to terms with his sexuality while also trying to understand his inner needs to submit to others in his life. He meets the love of his young life, Matt Porter, who not only takes the role to protect the smaller boy from bullies but also teaches him, as well as himself, what the power of love is, what the power of a D/S relationship is about and how to be comfy in his own skin.

This is not your typical D/S book by any means, it does not come with chains, gags, leather and the like. To me it's as if the reader learns what the D/S dynamic is through Petey. He explains in detail his feelings, why he feels he is so submissive, and how he sees his "doms" role to him.

Petey has a very energetic outgoing personality among his friends, you can just feel the love in that boy. However, around outsiders, he's quiet, shy and so innocent you just want to be with him to keep others from hurting him. You'll be sure to cry with him, laugh with him and want to hug him as he discovers who he is and what it is to answer his true calling to be a submissive in a gay relationship to a very hot Matt, his master.

There's a lot of emotion here, and at times I found myself angry with the author for putting that boy in the situations he did, but it's a story, and without those scenes, there would be no story. Or, there wouldn't be a story as wonderful as this one...I wish it didn't end. I want more of PL and Petey and Matt....


Puppy Love
Matt is everything that Petey is not. He is self-confident and brave. Matt is tall and masculine and athletic. He is a natural-born leader. Puppy Love is their love story, their romance. It is both a coming-of-age and coming-out story, but sexual orientation is not the primary focus. Petey struggles with his identity both as a homosexual and as a submissive. What do you do when you love someone who is truly superior to yourself in every meaningful way? How do you feel, and what if these feelings are not what everyone tells you you're supposed to feel? We are taught that every individual is equal, but what if you know, through experience, that this is not the case? What if, in a society in which everyone is supposed to be a leader, you discover that your passion, your destiny, is to submit? In Puppy Love, Petey Drinkell discovers the true nature of power, its role in sexual relationships, and his own role in the power structure. Puppy Love is perhaps the world's first gay BDSM coming-of-age novel. This erotic epic is more than classic erotica; it also challenges the fundamental assumptions we make about human relationships and democracy.


Puppy Love 2 - Building a family
Matt and Petey are a young gay couple in love. They're a Dom/sub couple. They're an Owner and his pup. In Puppy Love 2, the couple begin to build a life together. The close knit relationship they share with another D/s couple, Alex and Drew, begins to flourish. The four find their lives interwoven with each other, and ultimately the foursome become a family. The tragedies and struggles they go through are remarkable, and the emergence of Petey's sociopathic nemesis Ryan Connors only heightens the drama. Will Matt and Petey's love for one another be strong enough to weather the storms they are forced to face? Will Matt revert to his selfish habits of infidelity and womanizing? Will he demonstrate the maturity that is required to be a responsible Master to his pup? Will Petey ever realize that he has genuine worth, and will he find the confidence within himself to be the hero he was born to be?


Puppy Love 3 - Reawakening
Puppy Love is the story of Matt and Petey. Not only do they identify as a Dominant-submissive gay couple, but they also defy many of the stereotypes of this type of relationship. They rarely dress in leather; they don't hang out at sex clubs, and they have little interest in many of the heavy BDSM sexual practices. There is no denying, however, that Matt is the Master and Petey is his pup. Reawakening, book three of the Puppy Love Trilogy, is the much-awaited conclusion to Matt and Petey's story. After the tragedies of book two, more agony and ecstasy await Matt and Petey-a shooting, an unexpected pregnancy, a big gay wedding, and tons of passionate, kinky sex scenes. Will they find their happily-ever-after ending together, or will Petey's reawakened independence lead him down another path entirely?

slave 2.0

I have now been upgraded to a fully-functioning GPS-enabled slave so that Master can keep track of where i am whenever He wants.

No, He hasn't slipped a tracking chip under my skin but I'm now tracked, less invasively, through my mobile phone.

I love the feeling of knowing that Master can find me any time He wants, it's like an invisible leash that stays on me wherever i go, and i was very happy to find out the other day that apparently Master likes to use this new feature quite often, although i don't know how often.

Now every time i'm about town i keep wondering if Master is checking up on me, if He's looking down on me: a tiny dot on His Google map.

enthaarung

I love this word: Enthaarung. It's German for hair removal but it has so much more of a sense of transformation which fits perfectly what it represents for me. I suppose it could be transposed to the English language as 'de-hair-al' or 'de-hair-ification'.

Removing my body hair is something i do regularly and something that perfectly symbolises my entering the slave's headspace. I'm not very happy with how my body came pre-loaded with an ample reserve of tireless and tenacious hair follicles so for years now i have been fighting the good fight and keeping their production under control.

But removing the hair from my body is more than just grooming. To me, it's a way of asserting my submissiveness and renouncing, or neutralising, my own masculinity. It's the process of modifying my body to bring it in line with my mind and the role that is mine.

I realise this is not a universal understanding of what hair removal represents for everybody and that not all masters and slaves feel the same way about it, but for me this activity is so dense with meaning that every time it is a sort of reawakening of my slave self.

Especially when i do it before going to see Master, it is an almost spiritual experience through which i uncover, and rediscover, the body that belongs to my Owner.

Needless to say, Master has, on the contrary, a very hairy body and this contrast between us is yet another reminder of our different places in the world and when the hair on His chest comes in contact with my own smooth chest, i'm in heaven.

Derailed

Being a slave is not always a bed of roses. It may sound like a funny statement but when you're someone who's wanted to be a slave from your early childhood, once you find yourself in that role, not everything is as you've dreamed.

This blog is full of all the things i have found hard over the last few years (dealing with pain, commitment, feelings of abandonment…) but probably the hardest is dealing with absence gracefully.

I came across this statement the other day:

Jealousy and possessiveness of one's Owner are not becoming in a slave. It's you who are owned, not He. While any human may FEEL these emotions, a slave does not act upon them. It may be how you handle these feelings when you experience them that speak for your maturity and growth in your slavery.

Well, this is certainly the hardest thing to do for me. It is and it has always been.

At times i ache to see Master, it's a craving within me that's hard to contain. I want to text Him, call Him, email Him, until i can finally see Him. But i can't and i mustn't. It's hard to hit that balance between letting Master know that i miss Him and staying out of the way while He doesn't need me and yet that's exactly what i have to do.

The last couple of weeks i've been called upon by Master a couple of times, once for my usual overnight duties and the other to be of use to Him during the day for something that He needed done. Spending the whole day with Him was fantastic, seeing Him take advantage of the slave body He owns made me feel useful to Him and i was rewarded with a full day in His presence and several phone conversations on the same day and the day after.

i love and worship my Master and every time He so much as looks my way i feel overwhelmed with a desire to make Him happy to own me.

Which is why i have to master the skill i quoted above: overcoming my emotions so that no action results from them and they do not inconvenience Master.

But today Master informed me that He will have no use for me over the next couple of weeks while He is busy with something and maybe because i've been spoilt with so much of His attention lately, i felt really sad to hear that. But even that sadness makes me feel like i'm not serving Him well. What is there to be sad? If Master doesn't need me, he doesn't need me. Why should i be sad that He doesn't have what He doesn't need? Why can't i stop seeing this from my own point of view and focus instead on Master the way a proper slave would?

Any time i don't see Master because He doesn't need me is time i am serving Him. I don't have to always be in His presence to serve Him, i can serve Him by simply being ready, willing and available to Him at all times.

Yet i always catch myself off making this same mistake. It's as if there were two seemingly parallel tracks I can go down and i keep ending up on the wrong one so that i have to forcibly stop myself, carry myself over to the right one and resume my journey. In the meantime, every time i do that, i feel that i have failed in my service to my Owner.

bad news

Just found out i won't see Master for at least the next two weeks. I've gone through long periods without being able to see Him but lately i have such a need to be with Him that this latest news has left me feeling really low. It's like i'm bursting with a desire to see Him and it's so overpowering i'm having some difficulty keeping it in check.

I'm just feeling really upset now...

household chores

Doing household chores I always fantasise what it would be like to be able to do them for my Master, to ensure he doesn't have to. To fold his socks, iron his shirts, wash his dishes...

Ah sweet dreams...

am i an emotional masochist?

I remember in the time i was "on the market" looking for an owner i was often backed into a corner having to itemise and categorise my interests, i.e. what i'm "into".

People came to me asking what i wanted to do but all i really knew was what i wanted to be, or rather, as i started seeing it in time, what i felt that i was: a slave.

But the list was difficult to escape. I had, for instance, to make my limits known. And one limit i knew i had to mention was pain. This is not a limit intended in the sense of "i will not do that". I certainly don't enjoy it but mostly it's quite simply a physical limit: there's only so much pain i can take. I never really presented this as a hard limit though, at least in time as i came to see myself having less and less of a say in what happened to me and i stopped thinking it was proper for me to place any hard limits.

For example, at the time i was D's, he was definitely uninterested in making too many concessions when indulging his love of inflicting pain on me and apart from wimpishly begging him not to, i ultimately loved knowing that i had no say in this. In fact, i think i actually came to enjoy that pain somehow.

Clearly my portraying myself as a total slave who places no limits on his Owner could be perceived as fake and hypocritical since there have been situations where i have walked away from men who were interested in owning me so i obviously took a decision or two for myself but those situations were more to do with perceived compatibility than activities i just wouldn't want to get involved in. Again, you might say that the line is blurry: if a prospective owner would have asked me to jump out of a window i would have walked away because i would have thought there was little compatibility because he wasn't a man interested in his slave's safety (or survival, in this case) but you might, if you will, say i wasn't "into" jumping to my death or that jumping to my death was a hard limit, thereby making it about specific activities.

Whatever that may be, my constant itemising my interests led me to face up to the fact that pain was not my thing. And the more you say something, the more you believe it: i am most definitely not INTO pain and i came to see myself as "not a masochist". This self definition has stuck with me all these years but in these days i am starting to re-evaluate this statement or at least fine-tune it. I certainly don't enjoy the pain physically, but do i enjoy it some other way? And mostly, what about emotional pain? I can definitely take it physically (if that even means anything) and i'm starting to wonder if i'm actually a little addicted to it.

I have a very strong emotional response to being a slave. It's not just about sexual arousal, although that's a clear by-product of it. Most importantly i experience great emotional turmoil as a result of exploring the submissive side of me and allowing it to come out.

This emotional response is often very difficult to manage for me and, sometimes i fear, maybe for my Master as well. I'm always going to want to see my Master more than He is able to, or otherwise wants to. Probably most non-live-in slaves (and some pets) experience something very similar. You don't see your Master all the time, maybe not for a long time, and you miss Him madly. What do you do?

My lack of direction on the issue is probably what causes me to jump between the two options i have and, quite possibly, what causes me to perform poorly.

Poor performance through lack of instructions is something I encounter sometimes. It's quite similar to when i must kneel for long periods of time. I generally kneel and rest on my heels but Master hasn't instructed me as to whether my feet should rest with the top against the floor or if i should pin my toes to prop myself up higher. This results often in my switching repeatedly between the two positions as they become uncomfortable and worrying that this frequent movement may not be proper posture and might quite possibly have earned me a few strokes from a less understanding master. Although Master doesn't control my every movement, i still want to give Him the most impeccable service and this probably isn't it.

Well, my uncertainty about how to deal with my emotions leaves me following the exact same pattern. i could write to Master endlessly about how much i want to see Him but i tell myself i mustn't bother Him, but i also must contact him daily as part of my routine giving Him some information about my day so, when that channel of communication is open, i suppose i let some extra information slip in, like how much i'm looking forward to seeing Him next, or how much i miss Him, or how much i really miss Him or how much i wonder when i'm going to see Him next or how much i really wonder when i'm going to see Him next or, i don't know, when am i going to see Him next. It's easy to get carried away, and i do, and Master hasn't told me i must keep these questions to myself -- in fact He encourages me to let Him know what's going on with me. But at the same time, He doesn't frequently engage in conversation with me on this or answer my questions and this often causes me some heartache and loneliness. Some emotional pain. Pain that i try to learn to live with.

Master has told me once that He expects me to learn to manage these emotions as part of my service to Him. It should be a no brainer that Master contacts me when He wants to and i have no say in that. Why can't i get into my thick skull how a proper slave behaves then? Perhaps I revert to a kind of pup-like behaviour from time to time.

I must say sometimes i even fall into a very "un-slave-like" mood where i ask myself why i must daily keep Him informed of all that i'm up to when He leaves me stewing in my own loneliness and lack of contact for days. The answer to this question is obviously very clear: because i'm His slave and i do what He tells me and He what He wants but the question remains: how do you deal with the pain?

The issue is further complicated by the fact that on some level i probably even enjoy that pain: being ignored until He chooses to see me and having to put myself, my needs and my desires on a shelf because all that matters is Him allows me to experience the reality of my slavery and is a powerful reminder that fuels again my emotional response like a self-feeding fire caught in a perpetual circle.

I think by ignoring me more these days Master is trying to teach me what kind of slave He wants me to be and he's giving me the opportunity to learn to manage my emotions. I'm His so i need to learn to be loved when He says and ignored when He says. And be grateful for any opportunity He gives me to please Him. That i am, i don't have to be taught to be grateful for His attention but the first part of the deal i'm still struggling to fully get to grasps with.

how a slave performs a task

I often find myself in the morning in that space between sleep and wake where you can gently push your thoughts in one direction and see them turn into some kind of dream. In fact i'm not always sure when thoughts have originated in another dream and when I've been the one to voluntarily initiate them.

This morning, i half-woke up with images in my head of a large cage that slaves could be kept in waiting for an interested buyer. At some point i was in there with other slaves and i was being bought to be used to serve customers in my future Master's tavern (!).

I think this imagery links back to when i was spending time in Second Life serving as a Gorean slave. Serving drinks and generally ensuring the comfort of the Free was part of what my service sometimes entailed and i think much of my dream scenario was roughly based around those situations.

In my dream i remember taking two guests' orders and then scurrying off to get the two men their drinks. As i did so, i would ensure the glasses were impeccably clean and the drinks would be at the right temperature.

This prompted me to reflect on something regarding my perception of what a slave does. A slave shouldn't mechanically perform a task he is assigned because he fears the repercussions of disobedience. I think a slave should put everything into performing any task as best he can out of a genuine desire to ensure the person he is serving will be fully satisfied with the service they receive.

It is almost a question of finding pride and joy in your service. A slave should love to serve and please and should understand that to be his purpose in life. A slave should always want to make sure that whatever task he was given, he couldn't have performed any better.

This ensures the person he is serving always receives the best possible service. A free person shouldn't have to worry about the details of a task they assign to a slave, only that the outcome is as expected, if not better.

Yes, these are actually the thoughts in my head before i've even got out of bed.

I generally try to put this kind of thinking into serving Master. Unfortunately i don't spend as much time with Him as i would like, so the opportunities to do that are limited, but when i am with Him, the desire to see Him pleased is overwhelming.

One of the things that Master enjoys is to have His feet massaged while he is resting or is busy with something else and this is one of the tasks He likes to have His slave around for. Master often has me do this for Him and i have to say that i experience such a sense of purpose when i kneel at His feet and silently take care of this task for Him. I truly feel that in this role, i am allowed to express to Him how much i love and worship Him and i like to put all i have into doing this for Him.

That same degree of attention is what i think a slave should have in any task he is given and that is usually the standard i strive for. I'm not saying that my service is always impeccable: i do get physically tired and my service will be negatively affected by that but i think that the pleasure of serving and truly be useful is what makes me the kind of slave that i am.

identity and exclusivity

When my partner and i first got together i was very young. At the time i hadn't given the prospect of actually becoming a slave any thought. I had always fantasised about it, but it was that: just a dream. I had never thought it might be possible without anyone inventing a time machine. This was before the internet became a dating tool. In those days you met who you met without refining by dropdown filters on a search page. Weren't we savages back then?

When i first came out to my boyfriend as a submissive it was a couple of weeks into our relationship. It was very hard for me to get it out as i had never really told anyone. The night i told him it was all a big drama, i ended up crying, i was ashamed, i thought i was disappointing him by being so weird. He was a bit shocked at first -- again, you must remember that this was before the internet could bring everything you've never wanted to know right there on your desktop -- but quickly came round to it and said he would "work around it", or something to that effect.

Working around it was great news for me at the time. It meant my submissiveness might actually be acknowledged in my life. Over time it became clear that this solution was not ideal. My dream was to be someone's slave and to be submissive to someone who's letting you serve them to make you happy has nothing to do with it. Yet, in those rare moments when i could be submissive, i was feeling something i had never felt before. I could be myself.

It's no coincidence that i talk about "coming out" because it's very similar to the way gay people feel when they can be openly gay and have people acknowledge that about them. It's incredible how important that is for us as people: to have our identities acknowledged. People who so squarely fall into the mainstream (if they are really out there) can't really understand what it feels like to not have that.

But over time, acknowledging it with my boyfriend alone was not enough, especially because i was never his slave although i was submissive sexually. But he didn't want an exclusively submissive sexual partner and having to go outside of that area made me a little uncomfortable.

Over time our relationship became open and i started exploring outside the nest. In this context i met people who knew from the start of my submissive nature and could relate to me on that level.

I think it's impossible to describe how liberating it feels to be open about it (which is also the main reason behind this blog). Talking to other submissives, for instance, can sometimes evoke a connection that is almost fraternal and translates an understanding that goes far beyond what words can express. And talking to a dominant man, who knows me as a submissive, puts me face to face with my very nature. It's primal, it's palpable tension and the pull is sometimes irresistible. it's lambs and wolfs, humans and vampires, moths and flames, planets and black holes…

That's what has made it hard over the years to find a Master that could make me a happy slave after going through many situations that were wrong for me but that sometimes i could not pull myself out of. Some men tried to enslave me and i tried to resist it, but found it hard sometimes, creating situations where it was unclear to them what i actually wanted.

The concept of a happy slave may make some readers smile incredulously. Does a slave have a right to aspire to be happy? Isn't that a contradiction of a slave's duty to quietly and promptly obey?

Perhaps… Perhaps i'm not a good enough slave in that sense. I do believe that a person's submissive nature doesn't preclude their right to aspire to be happy in their service to their owners and i'm very happy to finally be orbiting around that happiness.

I say orbiting because i'm obviously floating between my partner and my Master.

My partner and i always stayed together because, apart from some lack of sexual compatibility, we are deeply in love with each other and even now, in our second decade together, we can't stand to be apart for too long.

But over the years our relationship has evolved towards what was right for us. Our sex life stopped being central in our relationship until it became something that's external to it and doesn't involve each other anymore. These days my sexual life is completely in my Master's domain and serving Him sexually is all the sex i want or need. Or get, for that matter...

I suppose it is a little frustrating at times, considering that i don't see Master very frequently, but what slave can claim a right to not experience some frustration from time to time. Besides, i wouldn't want it any other way. The knowledge that i am exclusively reserved for Master's service makes me very happy and, most importantly, makes Him happy. My lack of sexual activity makes it all the more special when Master chooses to have me serve Him as it truly does make it all about Him.

I also love knowing that exclusivity obviously only goes one way. I never signed up for an equal relationship and i'm happy not having one. All i need is His continued desire to keep me for His exclusive service and use, to continue feeling his dominion over me and be allowed to express my identity to a Man who understands it, appreciates it and knows what to do with it.

all about my Master

A few days ago, i asked Master if He would allow me to write a little more about Him in this blog.

I have now been His for over 2 years. Two years and a quarter, in fact. Over this time, i have never written much about my slavery mainly because, as i've explained before, i felt that it wasn't really mine to talk about. In order to write about it, i have to write about my Master and i wasn't really sure He would want me to or that i should even ask. I always hesitate to ask something of Master, unless i have to. My reasoning is that if i have to ask, it is not something that He has wanted in the first place and asking for something for myself is not adequate slave behaviour.

i suppose we could call this a guideline, rather than a strict rule: i'm in no way claiming that i have never asked Master anything that he hadn't initiated first but i suppose i try to limit the extent to which i risk being a nuisance for Him and this request was never pressing enough to float to the top of the list of things to ask.

As it turns out, over 2 years and a quarter, the question has made its way to the top of said list and Master has allowed me to write a few things about Him which means i can now blog a little about my current situation.

As readers of this blog will know already, in the past my search for a Master has been hindered by the fact that i am not unattached. Although my partner of many years is aware of my submissive nature and understands my need to make it part of my real life, this has limited the number of Masters who have been interested in taking me as their slave. Personally, i have little interest in one-offs, role-play or "scenes" and was always seeking a deeper connection that would link me to the man who'd take me in hand but the masters who sought a slave like me, also wanted a live-in situation or an otherwise full-time arrangement.

Lucky for me, this has not been an issue for my Master because He cannot actually have me around all the time as he is also not unattached.

In fact, i am available to Him much more than He can even have me around which, although frustrating at times, means that i'm always available for Him when He wants me to go and serve Him and obviously this is the way things should be.

But this time around is not only a first in the sense that i am able to feel i can actually satisfy the Man who owns me in terms of His expectations with regards to the time He wants me with Him, He is also very different from any master who has tried his hand with me in the past in a number of ways, the most noteworthy of which is the fact that He is straight.

i must admit it was always a fantasy of mine to serve a straight man. i suppose the reality of it is different from the fantasy, as i will explain in a minute, but it's still a pretty strong factor playing on my mind as it is one additional element emphasising the difference between us.

My Master and i were born within a matter of days of each other at the opposite ends of the world. I think this similarity and opposition between us is quite emblematic of everything about us as it symbolises how we are at the same time very similar and very different from each other: in fact we could potentially have been the same type of person, but we're not: He's dominant and strong-willed and i'm quiet and submissive, He's stronger and i'm weaker, He's straight and i'm gay, He's my Master and i'm His slave.

It just all feels right.

Our personalities complement each other so well. From my point of view, He's everything that i am not and i love serving Him for that and can't thank my lucky star enough that He has chosen me, of all people, to be His slave.

I must admit that i like the fact that He is this "unsuspectable" straight married man out there in the world and i am -- unbeknownst to all -- His adoring slave.

I think the main bonus of my Master being straight is the fact that He is obviously completely disconnected from the "gay scene" which is an environment i have always found quite off-putting. I do like to hang around at the occasional gay bar for drinks and such but i have never liked the whole cruisy side of gay life and the superficiality that often seems to pervade it.

But His sexual orientation obviously also affects the way in which i serve Him, which, again, is very different from any Master who's owned me in the past. Initially, sexual service was not a strong part of the reason why Master wanted to own a slave but pretty quickly He began making use of me sexually. Sex with Master, however, is very different from sex with any other man before Him. His excitement comes not from any sexual objectification of me personally but purely through the power relationship: the knowledge that my body is His to use however He wishes and sex is but one of those uses.

In my case, obviously, it's a little different: i am very attracted to Master, i'm excited any time i'm near Him and love serving Him in whatever way He wants. I suppose this is one further difference between us that sees me being in a weaker role. This lack of sexual objectification on His part, however, is something i hadn't considered or worked into my previous fantasies about serving a straight man and it was initially something i was unprepared for.

I had never consciously thought about it before but a gay Master will look at a male slave differently from a straight Master. This is so obvious to say now, but before Master came around, i had never thought about it. That sexual tension is something that is clearly there with a gay Master and doesn't need to be spoken but the minute it's not there, you are definitely aware of its absence and a slave's nakedness can become much more naked.

I'm in no way implying that i feel rejected by Master but i think that in this context a slave becomes a lot more like a pet -- which incidentally is what Master likes to call me sometimes. He calls me His pet. And i truly feel that way 100%.

In this context there is no overlapping between the relationship we share and the ones with our respective partners because they could not be any more different. Of course i love my Master very much, but in an entirely different way from the way i do my partner. My Master is not my partner: He is my Owner, the man i lovingly serve and worship. And similarly i also feel His love for me, which i'm well aware, is very different from the love He has for His wife.

This leaves no room for any kind of jealousy. The simplicity and linearity of these feelings is what makes my slavery so special: there are no uncertainties, no mixed signals, no doubts, no scope for the relationship to develop in unforeseen directions.

All there is here is one Man and His slave.

absence

Some time ago, on the Slave Register, a slave asked: how much time should a Master/Dom put into his sub. The slave in question was feeling a little frustrated by what little time her master was spending with her and was looking, i suppose, for someone to confirm that something was wrong with her situation.

I felt that this topic was very well within the remit of my expertise and replied to that post in the way that rings true to my heart: as happy as i am to spend time with my Master, i find a way to enjoy spending time away from Him, and that is by knowing that at any time i'm keeping myself available for when He calls on me. At any given time, i'm satisfying my role as His slave by being ready to serve. This is the way things go between us: when He wants to see me, He calls me and i go to Him. When i want to see Him, I gaze outside my window longingly and hope He'll call me to Him.

The fact that my method sucks and His gets me to His front door when He wants is part and parcel of the disparity between us, so something that i can't be upset about. The fact that i have no way of controlling when i see Him and He can see me whenever He wants defines our relationship and reinforces my service to Him. This is the way that i find to "enjoy" the long periods of time i sometimes have to spend without seeing Him.

Well, that is the theory. And i can live by that theory most of the time, but sometimes things get that little bit harder. And when they start to get hard, they spiral downwards pretty quickly until i find myself unable to refrain from sending Master messages hinting to the fact that i'm anxiously waiting to see Him. Is that passive-aggressive? I don't know. Maybe just passive. I have no other way to channel the emotions stirred up by my desire to see Him when they start to get out of control.

Absence, like chastity, is hard to manage because it's characterised by a void, a negative space, an emptiness which, by its very definition, gives you nothing to hold or focus on, which means you have to create that certain something to work with, such as in this case is represented by the service, the obedience, those containers that transform the void into something you can handle and better manage. Without them, you're just moving around in empty space with nothing to hold on to.

reconnecting

Feeling a bit low today. I haven't seen Master for a while and we haven't been in touch very regularly.

I sometimes feel a little overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment. Master has reassured these fears of mine several times and has never hinted to wanting to let me go, which is why I try to work through them on my own. In fact, I know that there are constraints to His ability to see me and I've been working hard at trying to control these emotions. I guess sometimes I have this need deep within me that comes out and I need contact, I need to see Him, or talk to Him, or something…

I've felt unable to write much about the way things are going because I don't feel entitled to discuss things that involve Him and it's difficult to talk about my ownership, without talking about my Master.

I keep promising myself that I'll write more about this but then, whenever I do, I come to a point where I feel I should stop. I don't know how to continue without invading a space that doesn't feel mine to discuss. I don't know how many posts I've started and left unfinished.

I'm trying, these days, to re-approach the idea of blogging again.

Give me some time…

tweet like it's 1999

I know, I'm a little behind on the web 2.0 revolution. This blog has been dormant for the best part of the last 2 years but as I see that most days someone visits these pages, I'm encouraged to try and resuscitate it.

I thought a bit of tweeting might help... live updates, right there in the right hand column... I confess, I'm not sure if I'm actually going to do it and these days things are not so exciting on a day-to-day basis from the reader's point of view as they may have been in the days I was running off to Scotland but it's worth a try.

I'll throw in a new layout too...

brand new

My posts have definitely gone down in frequency. One a year. I suppose being owned focusses your attention on your Owner rather than on writing about submission.

Today I'm marking 2 years from the day my Owner first took me on as His slave. To commemorate the event my body has received a first brand. Not a permanent one yet, but one nonetheless that visually marks me as my Owner's.

It is my greatest joy to carry my Master's mark and to see Him smile as he proudly looks at it.

a long delayed update

I almost made it a year without writing on this blog. I just checked it the other day and realised with some surprise that some people still visit from time to time and i thought it would be a good time for an update.

I am still wearing my collar and i have now been owned for over a year. Frankly I would say that this is it for me: i have definitely found my Master. I have given myself to Him as a slave and unless He decides to set me free (and He says He has no intention of doing that) i don't wish to even have a way out of my slavery. I don't get to see Him as often as i would like because He has other things in His life that take up His attention and as His slave i'm aware that waiting to be needed is part of my life but i'm more than happy to simply make myself available when He wants and has time to see me.

Of course i love slavishly waiting for Him to summon me and the time i do get to be with Him i am deliriously happy.

Kneeling at His feet, lovingly massaging them while He rests or is otherwise engaged is a moment of great happiness for me, when i feel right. When i get to show Him how much i love and worship Him. And i do. So much.

i haven't seen Him for a few weeks now and have missed Him terribly, but in just a few hours i'll be on my knees again, before the Man who owns me.

spring update

It's been a long time again since i last blogged. I suspect the last of my readers will have deserted me by now but just to surprisingly entertain any casual readers i thought i would use the opportunity of being stuck on a plane seat for a couple of hours to post a little update.

It's often said that misery benefits one's artistic spirit, and far from claiming any artistic value for my humble online ramblings, i can't deny that the main reason for the lack thereof is a sharp drop in my MI (Misery Index).

On the 19th of April i have commemorated/remembered/acknowledged (if celebrated is to big a word for it) my first 3 months with my Master. "Q1" has been a great time for me, one that has seen me find, maybe for the first time, some stability and security in my submissiveness. I regularly spend weekends, and some other days, with my Owner and the way in which his presence has neatly become integrated into my life, whilst allowing me to become part of his, has been the reason for a great deal of serenity for me.

There isn't a lot that i feel i can bring up on here. It's not my habit to discuss, or disclose, what my Owner likes to do with his slave. I can simply say that he has focussed my submissive urges turning them into a positive energy that these days enriches my life and shapes it fundamentally. I'm lucky to love my Owner very much and feel his care and affection towards me.

That's all i need to not want to be let free ever again.

the orbit

Things continue to run beautifully. I see my Master regularly at least once a week and spend every other weekend with him. All the time i spend with him is a precious gift and his presence is enough for me to feel whole. It's as if he had a magical aura that could fix me, heal me.

As far as I am concerned, i think that this is it, i am now his. I have discovered a whole new dimension of devotion in feeling completely safe and protected. Trust is not even the word that describes it, because i trust him even more than i trust myself, feeling safer in his hands than my own.

I feel like a satellite that gravitates around him, held close by his strength defining my orbit.

Every day i have to pinch myself to realise that he truly has picked me to be his slave.

heavenly

Heaven, i'm in heaven... You know the song?

Well, I hate to brag but this is exactly how i've been feeling on the weekends I've been spending with my new Owner.

Yes, owned again and this time I'm on cloud nine. I'm sorry it has taken some time to update the blog with such major news. I'm going from a rather negative post to this. Well, such is life sometimes: full of surprises and unexpected turns. One of these surprises was meeting the man who has taken me on as his slave and filled my days with this intoxicating sense of safety and belonging.

A couple of months ago a dominant I was talking to said to me that previous Masters had "damaged" me. I didn't give this theory much credit at the time but now, as I'm confronted, day in, day out, with a Master who keeps filling me with an overpowering desire to keep serving him and belong to him, i have to reconsider my initially dismissive judgement, as an undefined something within me continues gnawing at my insides, making me fear that things will go wrong.

It seems i can't stop worrying about the way things will evolve. In spite of being reassured by events that nothing is going wrong, my insecurity keeps rearing its unattractive head and I keep fearing that I'll say or do something that will make him not want to continue owning me, leaving me lacking the protection and guidance that i'm beginning to grow familiar with, as it starts to permeate my everyday life.

So i guess that, despite my heavenly mood, i still haven't been able to fully relax and enjoy the sense of finally being welcomed into a space that is 100% me.

the visitor

At times i feel as though i'm walking a fine line between sanity and insanity, happiness and depression and it takes very little for these dimensions to come dangerously near or even clash. Keeping these emotions up in the air means i'm one of those toys that move responding to music and a sad or happy song is sometimes all it takes to determine my state of mind.

Fortunately escapism is something i've always been fairly skilled at but I've practiced it so unmodestly in the past that i sometimes have to wonder: what is my reality and what is the world i escape to? Am i the slave who's too afraid to give into his desire for a life of submission and hides in a vanilla touchy-feely relationship or am i just a regular guy who escapes the responsibilities and stress of everyday life by seeking a bit of thrill on the side? Am i both? Neither? I am really frankly incapable of finding an answer to that question.

All i know is that from time to time i'm overwhelmed by such sadness that i find myself unable to cope as i feel that too much is missing from my life. A desire to end things is something i'm not unfamiliar with, as any careful reader will have detected, but it's something i've come to experience as though it weren't even me. I know it comes and i know it goes. So, when it's here, i don't do anything to fight it. I observe it as though it was a visitor sitting across the table from me. We sit together and make polite conversation, until the moment comes for my visitor to leave again. But until the time comes for us to part, his presence here spells the greatest sense of emptiness for me. A familiar sense of emptiness, but emptiness nonetheless.

By the way, i have company, i should go.

security alert: red

My second life (SL) is going great. I have been bought by the best Master a slave could hope for, i've moved into a kennel which he has built in a corner of his bedroom where i can watch him sleep through the bars that fence in the confined security of the space that he has given me inside his home.

But when, going through security at an airport, you catch yourself cherishing the touch of the security guard who's searching you for concealed weapons, that's the time you start to wonder if you might not be in the need for more real-life physical contact.

Before going off on holiday over Christmas, i had agreed with a dominant man that, come January, i would go to see him and serve him. When he contacted me today, i wasn't in the mood because what i really felt i wanted was to spend time with my SL Owner. But i willed myself to accept, on account of the security guard incident, yes, but also because my time in SL has been showing me the joy that i can draw from simply being available to serve the needs and desires of others.

I started preparing my body for service, going through some standard steps to ensure offering a Master a more pleasant service and the simple act of doing this was enjoyable. You handle your own body as a gift that you can offer somebody to use and the act of giving is what gives a slave joy. All along, I was thinking about my SL Owner who i've discussed this with and felt bad about the thought of serving someone else, but i made myself see the line that separates my first and second lives and i resolved to continue.

It was only because of an unpleasant message i received from the man i was supposed to serve that i eventually decided to cancel my visit. It became very clear that we had different ideas about what it is to serve and to deserve enjoying service. You see, it's not enough to have a slave's heart for the interaction to work. It's important for the dominant to understand what it is to use a slave, what makes a man a Man (and another man a slave) and, just to be clear, it generally has little to do with being abusive or talking dirty and doesn't require disrespecting anybody.

mistakes

Can you ever really cleanse yourself of your mistakes?

Some time ago, owned by D, i realised how painful it was for me to mess up. Not painful on account of the punishment, which was always delivered swiftly and vigourously but because of my own inability to let go and put it behind me. Disappointing a master is something which leaves you feeling mortified, it's as if you had lost something you will never be able to regain. D would say that the punishment would wipe the slate clean and the offence would be forgotten but for me forgetting was rather more complicated. Like any other wound it takes time and time alone to heal. D would say "i tell you it's ok, so it's ok, it's forgotten" and i couldn't really argue with him over this, except for knowing within me that it wasn't forgotten.

Now, in these situations you really don't want to turn things into a therapy session in order for you to try and feel better, this is really not what it should all be about, but it's nevertheless hard to simply overcome this heaviness that makes you feel like it's all over and you're never going to regain your Master's trust. Gone are the days when after upsetting a parent, they would smile, tell you it's ok, and you'd feel good again. You'd think a Master would be able to command that same level of control over your feelings so why won't the sadness just go away?

Maybe it's because at that point it's really not about your Master anymore, you're angry at yourself so it's not your Master who must forgive you but you must do it yourself. Can you find it within yourself to have the generosity and compassion to forgive yourself for disappointing the person whose needs and desires you want put before anything else? Clearly not quite yet.

where's jay?

i can't believe i posted twice the same video. This is the saddening confirmation of what little time and attention i've been giving this blog lately...

i do like the song, though.

jay

[snip]